Sandi Rog

Giving Up

2012-01-18T20:21:00.000-08:00

Someone recently asked me to share the most difficult thing in my life I had to overcome, with God’s help. I thought I'd share my answer.

This last year I’ve been battling cancer. It’s been a rollercoaster ride with ups and downs, with trusting in God and doubting Him, with wanting to give up and wanting to fight. I’ve been an emotional mess.

After going through a stem cell transplant in May of 2011, then finding out in September that the cancer came back, and then going through radiation, I finally gave up.

Here’s what I mean. I had to give up two things: my children and my fight.

I have an idea of how Abraham and Hannah must have felt when they had to give up their children.

You see, my motivation to survive has been my children. Seeing their faces and knowing how much they need me made me fight that much harder. I wouldn’t let them go. But I finally had to realize that ultimately they’re not my children. They belong to God. Of course, I’ve always known that, but this time, I had to trust in that, trust in God to take care of them for me if it was His will for me to go home. So, mentally I had to literally hand each one of my children over to Him. I watched them in my mind, floating up to God and out of my hands and into God’s hands. That wasn’t easy, but once I did that, I knew they’d be fine because God would take care of them for me. After all, He loves them even more than I do!

Shortly after that (and radiation), I was exhausted and decided I was DONE. Done fighting, and just done. That’s when I prayed and told God I was finished fighting, and if He wanted me to survive on this earth, He was gonna have to do the fighting for me. When I let go of my fight against cancer, I can’t tell you how much relief I felt. The anxiety left. The fear diminished.

Everything was all in God’s hands, and what better hands could my children and my life be in?

I can’t say the fear was completely gone because I didn’t know what God wanted. Did He want to take me home, or did He want me to stay here longer? And if He wanted to take me home, would it be a slow and painful journey? So, I still had fear about those things.

Well, not long after that, I got a PET scan, which I scheduled to happen after Christmas (I didn’t want to ruin our Christmas with bad news; with all the pain I had in my back, we were sure it was covered in cancer).

I did the PET scan and two days later went in for the results. My sister came with me and my husband, and as we were in the waiting room, she shook out her hands and said her palms were sweating. She didn’t want to be there. Ha! I said, neither did I!

Anyway, I was finally called into the doctor’s office, and when the doc came in, she said they couldn’t find cancer anywhere in my body. The three of us just sat there in stunned disbelief. Before I could ask, she said the pain in my back was from a fractured rib due to the cancer and then the radiation. Then she pronounced me in remission!

Needless to say, we asked a lot of questions and left in shock. LOL I still have plans to go back to see my naturopathic doctor in AZ just to give this cancer one last major blast. Now we’re simply praying that it doesn’t come back.

So, that’s the most difficult thing I’ve had to face and overcome. Not necessarily overcoming “cancer,” but learning to let go and let God. And may God be praised no matter what happens in this life.

THE MASTER'S WALL is FREE on Kindle!

2012-01-13T06:00:00.000-08:00

This time it's for real! This friday and saturday THE MASTER'S WALL will be FREE on Kindle! Now is your chance to get it and tell your friends about it!

Here's the LINK.

Come one, come ALL!

SHE'S ALIVE!!!

2012-01-10T15:57:00.000-08:00

Maybe that wasn't too funny for this blog since most of my posts recently have been about cancer. But I'm leaving the subject heading the way it is because I'm talking about my book WALKS ALONE! This is a historical romance that has gone live and is now available on Kindle! Wait a few weeks and it'll be available for the Nook as well!

I wrote this book eons ago (hmm, did I spell "eons" right? I don't have spell check) as my "practice novel." Anyway, it was supposed to be a "light" romance with all the fixings. But when I learned about the Cheyenne Native Americans, well things changed. It's not as "light" as I'd hoped, but it IS FUN! Why? Because I LOVE ROMANCE and I love these two characters!

And now you e-book owners can have a chance to fall in love with White Eagle and Anna too! BTW the paperback version will be available in June of this year!

Here's the awesome cover (front and back)! And if you click on it, it'll take you right to the Kindle version on Amazon. There you can read the book jacket copy and even take a peek inside! AND read the first amazing review I got!

Dance of the Dandelion

2012-01-06T21:07:00.000-08:00

I'm excited to get back to my promoting days! Please welcome a fellow writer and friend Dina Sleiman! That's a picture of her on the left. Isn't she fun? Makes me want to run out into the water with her!

Here's what she says about herself:

I am a debut novelist and a published poet, but I am also much more. Most of the time you will find me reading, biking, dancing, or hanging out with my family, preferably at the beach. I love anything related to creativity. More importantly, though, I am a passionate follower of Christ who longs to serve him in all I do.

I'm excited to introduce you to Dina's debut novel DANCE OF THE DANDELION. If you like medieval Christian fiction, this is the book for you! There aren't very many medieval's out there, so it's nice that WhiteFire Publishing opened up their doors!

Here's a bit about DANCE OF THE DANDELION

Love's quest leads her the world over.
Dandelion Dering was born a peasant in the English village of Arun, but her soul yearned for another life, another world. One filled with color and music, with adventure and passion . . . with more.
Haunted by childhood memories, Dandelion determines to find a better existence than the life every peasant in the village contents themselves with. Even if her sweetheart William s predictions prove true, and her journey leads straight to heartache.
From her sleepy hamlet to the intrigue of castle life, from the heart of London to the adventurous seas, Dandelion flees from the mistakes of her past, always seeking that something, that someone who will satisfy her longings.
Will Dandelion ever find the rhythm to her life's dance . . . or did she leave her chance for true love at home in Arun village?

Because I haven't had the pleasure yet of reading Dina's lovely novel (been a bit distracted with fighting cancer), I'll include a review here below.

Review by Michelle Sutton, author of over a dozen inspirational novels

Best Medieval fiction I have ever read, and a favorite this year!

I have finally found the perfect novel. Seriously! This is the best book I have read in a very long time and I've read over 200 books in the last two years.

In the acknowledgements at the end of the book the author credits Donald Maas for teaching her how to develop at decent plot into a stellar one. She far exceeded stellar and I dare say this book for me was more of a mindblowing romance and spiritual love story similar to Redeeming Love, a best-selling novel by Francine Rivers. Over the years I have read a ton of books set during this time period and none of them came close to being as exhilarating for me as this one. It not only inspired me, but reading this novel was downright addicting. I had to have my fix daily until I finished the book. When I reached the end I felt and ovewhelming sense of satisfaction at having experience the highs and lows of Dandelion's journey as well as bonding so closely to the characters that I felt as if I had also experienced the same boundless joy by the end of the book. The resolution was stellar, and beyond satisfying.

I can't say enough good things about this book. I feel like my words will be inadequate, but I'll try to explain why this book will forever remain in my heart as a favorite read right up there with Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. For one thing, the author had so many insights into not only the physical and emotional realm of Dandelion's existence, but she nailed her spiritual journey as well. We have all asked ourselves the same questions and have at times felt the same longing for more than we have. We have all sought that joy that can only come from knowing God. The Bible says if you seek God with your whole heart (like Dandelion did) you will find Him. Unfortunately many of us trip and fall many times along the way. Some of us make terrible choices with devastating consequences and others make better ones, but we all make choices every day. We are all capable of being led astray, and often childhood pain drives our desire for whatever it is we seek. This story showed that in a way that made sense, and it was so well-written. The prose was beautiful and sigh-worthy, for sure.

For me the most emotional and touching part of the story had to do with Dandelion's fear of her own passion. God made her that way and she knew that deep inside. When she tried to squelch it, the effect never lasted. She longed for love and a better life, but her passion was misdirected so many times. She thought maybe choosing someone who was stable and secure was what she needed to control that passion that frightened her so many times, but that didn't work. Often women are drawn to men who have self-serving and selfish desires because they are so charming and passionate as well, but not in a way that shows love. That initial bond quickly shatters when the true colors of the person doing the abusing comes out and then the woman is trapped. Dandelion was strong in so many ways, but at the same time she was so very human. I loved her dearly as if she were a real person. Dance of the Dandelion inspired me in a place deep inside my heart that books rarely touch. I highly recommend this story for anyone who has looked for love and satisfaction in the wrong places and thus made poor choices in this life. The book illustrates through well-written characterization how you can experience the freedom to worship God with passion and fulfill that desire to know Him more. That's what Dandelion's story did for me.

Here's where you can find Dina's book!

http://www.amazon.com/Dance-Dandelion-Dina-L-Sleiman/dp/0983455600/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

A letter written by my hubby from all of us

2012-01-02T22:59:00.000-08:00

Dear friends –

We have been anxious to let you know what God has accomplished through you. We have often stood with tears in our eyes from the outpouring of love: your prayers, expressions of concern, listening ears, meals, visits, cleaning, rides to and from the hospital, babysitting, picking up kids from school, radon remediation, fundraisers, movie tickets, replacing car engine, Christmas presents, and more. When traditional treatments seemed to have failed, you made it possible for Sandi to seek alternative treatment, which we believe has been effective and has helped her grow stronger.

Last week Wednesday, December 28, 2011, we received PET scan results showing the tumors in Sandi’s back are in remission. And no new tumors are visible. We are very happy with this news! At the same time we are cautiously optimistic, because we know this is no guaranty that the cancer is gone. One of the sites still light up, believed to be due to inflammation related to a fractured rib as a result of weakening of the bone. But this too is circumstantially good news, as it explains that Sandi’s pain is not due to new cancer activity. We continue to support Sandi’s health with God’s good nutrition and it looks like she will be able to go down to Phoenix for one more round of treatments by her naturopathic doctor.

It has not been easy to accept help and support. We didn’t want to be a burden, we didn’t want to feel indebted, we felt others would be a better purpose for your support. But people insisted on helping: family, the church, even brothers and sisters in the Netherlands and Belgium, Karsten’s colleagues, people from Sandi’s writing community, and many individuals throughout the world. All have shown us understanding, love, and care beyond anything we could have imagined. Through you we have seen God’s understanding, love and care.

We want you to know that you have carried us through these difficult times and that we recognize God’s goodness in you. Never before in our lives have we seen God in action like this. But the greatest good that has been accomplished in all of this is that we have grown closer to God and have grown closer to one another.

Thank you for your prayers, encouragement, and support.

The Rogs

Umm . . . still in shock.

2011-12-30T11:10:00.000-08:00

I thought to title this post as a “praise report,” but I want God to be praised no matter what (whether in good times or bad). Why is it so much easier to praise Him when things go my way? I did praise Him numerous times (trying to be like Job) when things were discouraging. There was no jumping up and down, though. It was more of a quiet praise, a whisper of praise that I felt in my heart.

Anyway . . .

We got the PET scan results yesterday, and the doc said there was no cancer to be found: not in the scan and not in my blood work. It was NOT TO BE FOUND and therefore I’m in REMISSION!

She said the pain I have in my back is from a fractured rib because of the cancer and then radiation (it broke when I was coughing; I’ll never forget it, ouch!). It will take some time, but it will heal! Thank You, Lord, for my fractured rib! LOL We thought for sure it was cancer!

Both my husband and I were so shocked, we could hardly believe what she was telling us. We’re still having a hard time fathoming the wonderful news. I can’t tell you how GOOD it was to tell our kids this! It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.

Thank You, God! Thank You so much!!

The doc is still going to keep a close eye on me, and I’m still pretty weak. At least, one more treatment from Dr. Brown (the Naturopathic doc in AZ) will be good for me. All the fundraisers have made it possible for me to see him again. Thank you to all who helped with that!!!

Again, thank You God!!!

I’m just so happy I can barely type. My hands are trembling and tears are flowing. A part of me is almost afraid to be happy. Ya know? We just kept getting slammed with bad news, over and over again. How can this truly be real?

All I know is, I’ll take what I can get! And I thank God for saying “yes” to all the prayers that have gone up on my behalf! Thank you all for praying. Thank you!!! I just pray that God will allow this remission to last for a good long time. I want to be here for my kids, no matter how old they are. I know how much I love having my own mother in my life, and I want my kids to have the same. Praise God for whatever He decides is best.

Thank You Lord, my Holy precious Savior. Praise You and thank You!

I tried not to use all caps too often so you all wouldn’t feel like I was yelling, but honestly, all those exclamation points are shouts of joy!

I’m on my knees thanking my heavenly Father, kissing His feet. Thank You for giving me and my family this time of joy.

Love,

Sandi xxx

PSA from Alison Strobel

2011-12-13T15:02:00.001-08:00

Hey friends of Sandi's! I'm popping back in to let you know that Phase 2 of the fundraiser for Sandi's cancer treatments has begun! We've got five great gift cards (Applebee's, California Pizza Kitchen, and Amazon.com!) to raffle off this week, and on Saturday we're drawing for a Kindle Fire or Nook Color! Tickets this time around are only $2--how cheap is that?!

If you donated the first time around, I thank you profusely. Please know we don't expect you to donate again. What we'd love, though, is for you to spread the word a little more--tweet it, Facebook it, blog it, email it--so we can get the word out to even more people. Include this URL (http://fundraiserforsandirog.blogspot.com/2011/12/phase-2-commence.html) so folks know what's going on. We'll start the drawings tonight at 10PM, so if you *are* going to donate again (or for the first time!) please do it soon so you can get in on the action. You're entered into the raffle automatically when you donate; no need to come back to the blog and comment anywhere like last time.

Thanks again for all the love you've shown Sandi through this fundraiser. I can't wait to see the amount of that check on Christmas Eve!

A Note from Alison Strobel

2011-11-25T18:34:00.000-08:00

I'm commandeering Sandi's blog for the day to make sure everyone is aware of something we're trying to do to help the Rogs as Sandi embarks on a new treatment for her stubborn cancer. We've launched a fundraiser in conjunction with GiveForward.com, where we've already raised 25% of our $21,400 goal. And as an extra little incentive, we've amassed over six thousand dollars' worth of prize donations that we've grouped into packages that we're raffling over the next week. Author autographed books, hand-sewn/-knit/-crocheted items, jewelry, gift cards, chocolates, hand-dyed yarn...the variety is incredible! Nearly all the items have been previewed on the blog; come check them out, and after you're done drooling and you've chosen your favorite packages, done to the fundraiser through the GiveForward.com widget in the sidebar. Every $5 you donate gets you a raffle "ticket"--to read all the details of how the raffle and tickets work, check out this post on the blog.

We know that the economy is tough right now, and that most people don't have a lot of disposable income. But for most of us, situations like Sandi's fall into the "it could be worse" category. You may have stopped eating out, like we have, or are shopping at WalMart instead of the big supermarkets because it's cheaper (also like us!). You may be cutting back on your holiday decorating or Christmas gifts. But you can spare five bucks, or even twenty, for a one-time "it takes a village" moment to link arms with the rest of us to help make it possible for Sandi to receive the treatment she needs in Arizona.

So go check out your bank account, figure out if there's a pumpkin spice latte you can skip this week or a lunch out that you can forgo, and join us in blessing Sandi and her family this holiday season. Thanks for hanging with me--hope to see your name on the donor list!
-Alison

author of "The Heart of Memory" and "Composing Amelia" and others
~ Visit my website to sign up for my free newsletter! ~
***alisonstrobel.com***

Sorry I haven't posted much

2011-11-08T21:04:00.000-08:00

It doesn't mean I don't think of you all, or thank God for all of you. I've just been overwhelmed with . . . everything. A lot of good things are happening with my book YAHSHUA'S BRIDGE which is now available. So, I've been busy with that. But also with doc appointments and just feeling tired. I'm looking forward to seeing Dr. Brown again. I was my "old self" when he treated me, and I want to feel good again.

I finished radiation a week ago Tuesday, and it completely wiped me out. I had yucky side-effects when I wasn't supposed to have any--I won't give you the details, e-hem. This tells me that chemo is NOT a good idea since it would be 5 times worse. Thankfully, my doc hasn't brought up chemo--maybe because I already told him "NO WAY, I don't want to do it" when he did bring it up (I wasn't that harsh; but I was pretty clear about it via our nurse coordinator).

Anyway, it's nice to know I can actually "read my body." I told him before the radiation that I really didn't think I could handle the chemo, or recover from it. And after seeing how I've reacted to radiation, I know I was right. If I wasn't supposed to have any side-effects from the radiation, and the chemo is worse, then there's no way I can handle chemo right now.

I should be going to see Dr. Brown at the end of this week or the beginning of next. He's supposed to call tomorrow morning.

Anyway, enough about that.

I wanted to write to you all about crying myself to sleep (lol, an even "better topic!"). But that usually occurred when I was supposed to be TRYING to go to sleep. So, I didn't get up to write. I just can't count how often I've cried myself to sleep. It amazes me. There were other things I wanted to write about, but I've just been too tired. And I'm tired now, so I think I'm gonna end.

YAHSHUA'S BRIDGE available for pre-order!!!

2011-10-23T19:55:00.000-07:00

Did I tell you all that my book YAHSHUA’S BRIDGE is available for pre-orders? That means, FREE SHIPPING. You have until November 1^st to take advantage of this special offer. Here’s the link: http://deward.com/.

YAHSHUA’S BRIDGE is the sequel to THE MASTER’S WALL. Here’s a book jacket description:

An amethyst stone draws him to his past. An elusive maiden draws him to his future.

Alexander is born into slavery under an abusive master: a master of his own flesh and blood . . . a man he will never call Father. Determined to break away from his master’s hold, Alexander devises a plan to purchase his freedom. But what’s he to do when he finds himself shipped off in shackles to Egypt, disappearing from the lives of everyone he knows and loves?

Here are a few endorsements for YAHSHUA’S BRIDGE:

Sandi Rog has done it again. With Yahshua’s Bridge, the sequel to the enjoyable and award-winning The Master’s Wall, Rog proves that her first effort was no fluke: This lady knows how to spin a page-turning adventure that is at once heartwrenching and uplifting. Yahshua’s Bridge has that rare and immensely satisfying quality of being a wonderful story, brilliantly told. ~Robert Liparulo, author of The 13th Tribe, Comes a Horseman and The Dreamhouse Kings

Sandi Rog's novels are sneaky good. She has an excellent understanding of the first century and is able to convey the details of New Testament culture without making it feel like a history lesson. Like her debut novel, Yahshua's Bridge is complex without being confusing and teaches truth without being preachy. With a story that hooks you and encourages you in your own life, Yahshua's Bridge is a fast but engaging read that is sure to please any lover of historical or Biblical fiction. -Alison Strobel, author of Composing Amelia and many others

In Yahshua’s Bridge I found an amazing novel full of romance and intrigue just as I’ve come to expect from Sandi Rog. Beyond that, I found an epic struggle of good versus evil played out against a backdrop of martyrs, coliseums, and gladiators. This book illustrated to me more than any other novel the fact that life is but a pale illusion and the glorious reality awaiting us in eternity far supersedes any temporary pain or struggles we might face on this earth. ~ Dina Sleiman, author of Dance of the Dandelion

Yahshua's Bridge is a powerful story about forgiveness and loyalty to the Christian faith. I loved the theme that God loves us enough to allow whatever is necessary to bring about our spiritual good and to produce healing in our lives. Sometimes what He allows makes no sense to us at the time.

Yahshua's Bridge reminded me of Francine Rivers's Mark of the Lion trilogy in that it was also set during the first century when Christianity was still growing, and when gladiators fought to the death for mere entertainment of Roman citizens. Sandi Rog draws you into the story so deeply that you feel each character's pain and you hurt along with them. Well-written and fast paced, Yahshua's Bridge has the potential to heal hearts and touch many lives because it doesn't soft-step or minimize human suffering. The greater the darkness was, the more the light of Christ shone in this book. I loved it! ~Michelle Sutton, author of over a dozen inspirational novels.

A plea from my mother-in-law

2011-10-16T22:42:00.000-07:00

Here’s a plea from my mother-in-law. It took me this long to post it.

October 1, 2011

To family and friends,

Nearly 11 months have passed since coming to Colorado to try to help Karsten, Sandi and the kids through a very difficult time. During that time I returned home for two weeks and Henk was able to come here to help out for two month. This obviously was not the plan. But we are very thankful to the Lord that He granted us the possibility to be of help.

We just knew that this all wouldn’t be necessary, but…. We know so little. I will be returning to the Netherlands in a week, knowing only that the Lord is in control and that He has wonderful children who will carry on as needed. Hopefully it will not be necessary for me to return to Westminster soon, but needless to say, I will if the need arises.

After the stemcell transplant we had full confidence that this would be a cure for both the MS and the T-cell lymphoma. It didn’t/hasn’t happened. Cancer showed itself again at three spots on her spinal column. The radiologist says that the cancer is coming from somewhere but they don’t know where. The plan is to do localized radiation 15 times hoping it will take care of the immediate problem.

In the meantime, one doesn’t stand still just hoping for the best but looking for a possibility of making her stronger and eradicating the cancer long term.

Karsten and Sandi made a very quick trip to Arizona to consult with Dr Joe Brown, www.drjoebrown.com . I believe he knows what he is doing and that this is a treatment that can give the family back a healthy mother and wife for a long time to come. Karsten has been applying some of the nutritional aspects for several years, now he has support and even better guidelines to help Sandi and the family be healthy. Through his efforts Sandi was able to come through the chemo, radiation and transplant as well as she did. The caregivers at the hospital were surprised at her overall good health, despite the cancer and MS.

After a three hour consultation, Dr. Brown is drawing up a plan “of attack”. Before they left the office he started Sandi on the first treatment, told her what to eat and not to eat, set her up with two more treatments before they had to return home.

Now we need to find the financial means to make the rest possible. Yes, you guessed it. It is not free, but if one looks at the medical cost already incurred, it is “just a drop in the bucket”, however one they have to finance themselves. Karsten is still looking at the “ins and out” to being able to claim it on their insurance. In the meantime it could cost up to $20,000 and life goes on. They would prefer to do this on their own with the Lord, but they know they can’t. The Lord uses all His children to accomplish His works.

If you could help in any way the Northwest Church of Christ in Westminister is happy to function as a contact for this effort. This congregation as a whole and as individual members has been a wonderful support to the family in many ways and they continue to support them. We thank you for all you have already done, especially for your continued prayers and words of encouragement.

You can contact Karsten: karstenrog@yahoo.com

Or one of the elders at Northwest in Westminster, CO: www.nwcofc.net

Ron Hanegon: ronhanegan@gmail.com

Or send a check to:

Northwest Church of Christ

5255 West 98th Avenue

Westminster, CO 80020

Specifying: Rog family

For international bank transfers contact:

tjnorman57@gmail.com for bank IBAN and BIC numbers and to let him know

you are making a bank transfer for the Rog family.

May God bless each of you in your daily life,

Celia Rog

ARIZONA . . . My hope!

2011-10-04T21:47:00.000-07:00

I’ve gotten a lot of emails and calls from folks asking about the Doctor in Arizona. If I haven’t replied to your emails, please don’t take it personally. I honestly can’t keep up. I will do my best to reply to everyone. I just need your patience. I also didn’t have very good Internet connection while there, so if you sent an email for any reason and I haven’t replied, please don’t take it personally. If I don’t reply within the next couple of weeks, try resending your message. In the meantime, I thought I’d better get an update up so folks can know what’s going on.

So . . . where to begin?

Let me start by saying, Dr. Joe Brown is AWESOME!!

Here’s the story:

We arrived there with a flat tire. I won’t go into details about that: in the mountains, in the middle of nowhere, in extreme heat (thankfully, we had a spare), but we were worried because that meant spending more money on tires if we were to get home safely. We were already pushing it by going out there, but we had high hopes and a lot of prayers behind us, so we went (I mean, we were only 70 miles away from the doctor’s office, so why turn back at that point), trusting God to show us His will. As my husband was fixing the tire he asked, “Now, is this from God or Satan?” We’d asked God to close the doors if He didn’t want us there. So . . . we were wondering. Because of the flat tire, we were twenty minutes late for our appointment, but they were understanding.

The intake meeting was thorough. Dr. Brown never gave us the impression that he was in a hurry or had other things to move on to. In fact, the intake meeting lasted THREE HOURS, and I can honestly say it only felt like ONE. Hubby knew how much the meeting would cost per hour (and no, that’s not why the doc took his time, lol). We had a billion questions, and we wanted answers, and he answered them. It was so GOOD. It was during this meeting we learned about the treatments and the supplements I would need, how often, that he has experience with stem cell transplant patients (we actually found that out before we left), etc. I watched and listened closely (not just during the meeting, but during the treatments), because usually I can tell if someone hasn’t had experience with patients like me, but he knew exactly what he was doing in every way. It was a big relief.

My biggest question was if his treatment would cause graft vs. host disease because he’s strengthening my immune system and this isn’t “my immune system.” He said without hesitation and with complete confidence (and he wasn’t an arrogant doctor, btw), “No.” He said none of his patients who’ve undergone stem cell transplants have gotten graft vs. host disease from his treatments. Absolutely none. Then he said he can’t say that it can never happen, but he (strongly) doesn’t believe it will.

After the meeting, we decided that’s all we could afford. We wanted to buy the supplements he suggested, but the meeting ended up being more than we expected (like I said, it felt like one hour, but the clock told a different story), and we still needed tires for the car. So, we paid for the meeting and left. We were going to find a way to come back, but we didn’t know how to make that possible yet (financially). It’s not that Dr. Brown’s services are expensive, because they’re not. Not at all. It’s just that when something like this isn’t covered by insurance and the money is coming out of pocket, it’s unaffordable. When we reached our car, Dr. Brown’s assistant came after us and said that Dr. Brown wanted to give me a free partial treatment before we left. Of course, we were happy and willing to do this. Dr. Brown got me hooked up on IVs and ended up giving me a full treatment. During the intake he said that if he had “leftovers” he could give those to me for free because he would throw them away, and he’d rather they get used. I have a feeling, he didn’t treat me with “leftovers” that day.

Anyway, I was so touched that he would be so generous, I thanked him but felt that was inadequate. He said he just wanted me to get well. Then he offered to treat me for the next two days at a discounted rate that we could afford. Actually, both treatments combined were approximately worth the amount of the car tires, but we took his offer and ended up buying new tires on our credit card. You see, we NEVER use our credit card because we don’t believe it’s right to be in debt. We only have credit cards so we can have “good credit” here in the States (which makes no sense to us). When we moved here from Holland we had no credit, which equaled to bad credit (which also didn't make sense to us). So for example, to build up credit, I’ll shop at Kohl’s (with that Kohl’s credit card), and immediately go to the service desk and pay it off. :-) We firmly believe in not spending what we don’t have. Anyway, so it was a big deal for hubby to use our credit card to buy new tires, but we needed to make the 900-mile trip home safely. I also have to add, the people we were staying with left us a generous gift which actually paid for the entire next two treatments.

So . . . was God opening doors or closing them? You tell me. :-)

During the treatments, Dr. Brown said that by Friday I would have more energy (that was Tuesday or Wednesday). Honestly, I was skeptical. I’ve had a lot of doctors tell me things like this, and their predictions didn’t happen. However, by Thursday (not Friday), when we were in the car heading home (we were in a hurry because I had a Noon appointment on Friday with the radiation doc), I had a TON of energy. I was laughing without getting tired, making jokes, and feeling like my old self. It lasted for several days (I’m still stronger actually). It’s WONDERFUL!!!

And so is Dr. Joe Brown.

Now for what my radiation doc said. He’s very positive and he's excited about the success of the first localized radiation. He says it was radiation that knocked out the tumor in my head (oh, and it’s DEAD; apparently, there isn’t a sliver of it left like we thought; it’s GONE), and they want to do the same treatment on the tumors (there are three) on my spine. He feels confident that will take care of it. So, I’ll get 15 treatments of radiation on my spine on each tumor. This will take approximately three weeks.

Dr. Brown told me I should do what my oncologist here tells me to do, so if he wants radiation and chemo, I need to do it. Well, I found out that the doc here plans to do chemo after this radiation. Two outpatient chemo rounds, and one inpatient chemo round for five days (which I've been doing for the past year, and a lot of “good” it did). You see, since I still have tumors, that means little cancer cells are still floating around my body, but we can’t see them because they’re so small. We can only see them when they hook onto something and start multiplying into billions of cells (which they’ve now done on my spine; this new radiation doc explained all this, and I really like him too. He’s awesome. He took his time with us and answered all our questions, showed us the pictures, and didn’t make us feel stupid). Well, I’ve decided that I DON’T WANT CHEMO. I talked to the other doc’s assistant (the doc who’s been in charge from the beginning and wants to do the chemo--again), and she said I don’t have to do it, that it’s my choice. I believe what Dr. Brown is doing for me will do the job of the chemo (find those little cancer cells that we can’t see and kill them). And I’m still so weak that I don’t believe I will do well on chemo again. Seriously. I really don’t think I’ll recover. So, I don’t plan on doing chemo again.

Okay, so that’s the latest. I’ll start radiation on Monday (it was going to be on Friday, but I also have a photopheresis appointment—this is a “light therapy” where they run my blood through a machine to calm down the t-cells to keep graft vs. host disease under control—on that same day). The photo people say I should stay out of the sun after a treatment, or at least, spend as little time in the sun as possible (they even gave me sunscreen and sunglasses). Well, I was thinking, wouldn’t radiation be similar to being in the sun? So, I called my regular doc, and he said all was well and it’d be fine. Then I called the radiation folks, since they’re the experts in radiation treatment. I started at the reception desk and was forwarded through several people who couldn’t answer my question, but they kept saying it was a good question. I finally got the assistant to the doc who was to call me back after she asked the doc if it would be safe. Whew. She called back and said I might have some minor side-effects, yada, yada.

We moved the appointment to Monday.

You know, it’s one thing to downplay the side-effects, but they don’t have to live with them.

So, all is well. I have energy that I haven’t had in ages, and it’s because of God working through Dr. Brown. That fact can’t be denied.

P.S. Several years ago, Dr. Joe Brown was a cancer patient and told he had a month to live (after going through treatment after treatment and surgery after surgery with no success). He took things into his own hands and has now been 15 YEARS in remission. If you want to know more about him, click on all the links or his picture above. His story is also told on YouTube on a TV show called The Incurables. It's in three parts. I encourage you to watch it.

I'm a worst case senario

2011-09-25T13:32:00.000-07:00

Hubby and I decided to look into alternative treatment. We're planning on driving up to Tempe, Arizona to check out Dr. Joe Brown. Here's a LINK to his site. He cured himself of cancer when they gave him about 30 days to live. That was approximately ten years ago.

My current doc/oncologist calls all alternative treatments done by quacks. He hardly answers our questions about other treatment possibilities and even interrupts us to where we can barely finish a sentence. My husband finally asked him not to make fun of us, that we're simply desperate and need answers. We're not doctors and know everything like he does. He didn't say that last sentence. I'm just frustrated, and so is Karsten. Anyway, he's a good doc, but he's overworked, which is why we keep running into all this miscommunication, having to postpone appointments, etc. And now he's suggesting more chemo and radiation.

Because he already gave me chemo that would "kill a healthy person," I'm refusing to do anymore. I mean, if that chemo didn't do the trick, why would another "brand" help? The chemo never helped the tumors. I will, however, do the radiation. I have a feeling it was the radiation that actually cleared the tumor in my head, and not the stem cells.

Here's why:

The doc said it would take a couple months to be able to see whether or not the radiation worked or not. We weren't able to wait that length of time, so we did the radiation, the chemo, and the full-body radiation, and then the bone marrow transplant (which I found out later was/is actually a stem cell transplant from an ADULT donor; they said they use the term bone marrow because "stem cell" has such a negative implication, where folks assume we're using embryonic stem cells, which I would NEVER do). Anyway, now that the transplant is done, I can see that the tumor in my head is nearly gone. But now I have a tumor on my spine?! Why would the stem cells attack the tumor in my head, but not in my spine? It doesn't make sense. So, that's why I think the radiation took care of the tumor in my head and not the stem cells.

Another reason I think the radiation took care of my tumor is because the stem cells are being suppressed by all these drugs I'm on. The doc is very fearful of graft vs host disease (where the stem cells might attack me), so he wants to prevent that, and he does that with these drugs. I kind of feel like the stem cells haven't even had a chance to WORK. But hey, I'm not a doctor, so who knows. I also think it could be these drugs that are causing my liver to skyrocket in enzymes. The liver biopsy tests came out negative for the graft vs host disease, but the doc felt certain I had it because of my liver enzymes going up. Isn't it possible my liver is acting up because I eat pills for breakfast, lunch and dinner?!

I say all this, but what do I know? My doc has 30 (yes 30) years of experience, while I have none.

I'm just in the worst position I could possibly be in. The alternative doc will want to up my immune system, but then we run the risk of my (the donor's) immune system attacking me (which this doc is aware of; he's had experience working with stem cell transplant patients). And what's especially scary is that graft vs host disease could kill me and could rear it's ugly head overnight. I could wake up with a major case of it. At the same time, these new stem cells are what we've counted on to kill the cancer!

What to do, what to do?

Although my doc suggested chemo, he only hooked me up with the radiation people. I don't know if that means he's not going to do the chemo, or if he's going to do it later. He hasn't communicated anything to us. Oh, and that meeting I told you he was planning to attend to talk to the whole oncology team about my case, he never made it to. Do you see my frustration? sigh

If I do nothing, this cancer will eat through my spine and make me lame from the waist down and eventually kill me. If I go with the alternative doc, I could get a bad case of graft vs. host disease, and that could kill me, OR it will get this new immune system working to where it attacks the cancer and not me, and I'd be CURED. Or, I could just go with the radiation treatments and hope/pray that works and see what happens and hope/pray that eventually my new immune system will kick in despite all the immune suppressant drugs (btw: I got cancer from immune suppressant drugs to begin with!) and kill the cancer.

SIGH

What a mess I've become.

“This wasn’t supposed to happen.”

2011-09-19T23:51:00.000-07:00

That’s what my friend said. I mean, after all, I was supposed to be cured of MS and cancer. Right? That was the plan. That’s why I ended up with this particular doc because he wrote the paper with the doc who uses this method to cure MS. It couldn’t be a coincidence, God must have brought us together. At least, that’s what I thought.

I don’t know a gentle way to put this, but my doc says the biopsy results on my spine show that I have cancer. The same stinkin’ cancer that was supposed to be wiped out. He said this was his worst fear because this type of cancer is “clever.” It knows how to hide and that’s what it did. The doc wiped out my entire immune system and I even have someone else’s cells and blood-type now, but the cancer managed to stick around. The doc is going to consult the entire oncology team tomorrow/Tuesday and decide what to do: chemo (a different brand, which will be outpatient) and/or radiation.

“YAY!!!”

Yes, I’m being sarcastic. sigh

The worst was telling my kids. My POOR KIDS. I won’t even tell you how that went. It’s too painful.

I asked the doc what my chances are, and he wouldn’t give me a percentage. He simply said something along the lines of, sometimes he beats the cancer, and sometimes he doesn’t. Something like that. Anyway . . . .

I’m still trusting in God. I told my kids to do the same. That this life is temporary, and really, Satan just wants our souls, and he’s trying to get to them through me. I told them they’re to remain faithful no matter what happens. If they’re mad at God for allowing this, that’s okay because God can handle our anger (He invented the emotion for crying out loud), just don’t sin. I told them to talk to God about their feelings because He knows and He understands. But don’t blame God. Satan is to blame for this. Just REMAIN FAITHFUL TO GOD period. I told them if I don’t make it through this, I want us to be reunited in Heaven—so they better remain faithful. I guess, I’m saying the same thing to all of you who read this.

I’ll do my BEST to FIGHT this, but I’m tired and I’m angry and I’m sick of fighting. I’m tired of asking for all of you to pray for me. I can imagine you all are probably sick of praying for me too. You’d think God would be sick of hearing from all of us and just give us what we want. Ya know? You’d think He’d push us out the door and kick us off His door step and say, “Fine! I’ll heal her, just leave Me alone! Quit ringing my doorbell!” You’d think we were more annoying than those telephone solicitors. They’re the worst, aren’t they?

Anyway, please keep praying for HEALING. My kids would really appreciate it. As would I and my husband.

When I say I trust in God, know that I mean I trust He knows what’s best for all of us spiritually (well, and physically, of course). He is my God and deserves my (our) praise.

He was, He is, and He always will be!

I praise You my Father, my Lord, my Master, my Daddy. I long to be held by You. To touch You, to breathe in Your Majesty. I LONG for it!

But I humbly ask that You will allow me to stay longer on this earth for my kids. You know how much I hate it here, so I don’t ask to stay for selfish reasons. Unless begging to be able to raise my kids and teach them to love You is selfish?

No matter what happens, I will praise You. (I imagine that’s a good kick in the face to Satan, right?)

Then . . .

Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Thank You Jesus for dying on the cross for my sins. Thank You for all You’ve done for me. Thank You. Thank You for my precious children. Please take care of them, guard their souls, teach them to love You (preferably through me, e-hem). Please God? Please? . . . Please . . . .

I love You, Lord. I love You so much. Hold me close and don’t let go.

Keep the faith, everyone. Please keep the faith. Cling to the Lord. He loves you. He loves me. And He loves my kids.

Sandi

Now why do you delay?

Get up and be baptized,

and wash away your sins,

calling on His name (Acts 22:16).

What I remember on September 11, 2001

2011-09-11T15:41:00.000-07:00

I was living in Holland (the Netherlands) at the time and just happened to be watching CNN. I watched the entire thing unfold before my eyes. The newscasters went from reporting ordinary news to “this just in” and there were the towers. They showed the first plane hitting, and while they debated whether or not it was an accident or on purpose, the second plane flew into the next tower. Not long after that, I watched both towers go down. I couldn’t believe it. When I was eighteen, I’d stood on the roof of one of those towers, and those buildings (after collapsing) would have wiped out the entire center of Amsterdam. How could these “little” planes have such a huge impact?

What was especially disturbing during this time was the fact that I was outside the US and had to witness first hand (in my face) the reaction of the middle-eastern students and Islamic leaders. They were cheering in the streets!!! For days!!! And I won’t repeat the hateful things they would say. Gulp!

I was also concerned about our neighbor, wondering if they were also cheering about what happened because they were also Muslim and from Afghanistan. Of course, they knew we were an American family (our kids played together), so I was hesitant to knock on her door. A few days after the attack, she came to my door. She told me that she had family in New York and had no idea if they were safe or not because she couldn’t reach anyone. Anyway, she was suffering with us, and I felt ashamed for not having been the first to reach out to her. Later, it turned out her family was safe and all was well.

Months after the attacks, we still had to be careful, avoiding Islamic neighborhoods that had signs hung up on shop windows, saying things like: Yankees Go Home, etc. That was in Antwerp, Belgium. My husband made it clear that we were not to speak English outside the home (although, all the neighbors in our little village knew we were part American; my husband is Dutch; and we had three young children at the time). But we followed his orders. No more English outside the home.

GOOD NEWS!!!

2011-08-31T14:00:00.000-07:00

First full review of YAHSHUA'S BRIDGE!!! It's due to release November 1, 2011!! Just click on the book! YAY!!

Feeling Very Beat Up

2011-08-30T21:36:00.000-07:00

I had the WORST day yesterday.

I went in for my scheduled appointment for the photo (ferenthesis/thing) to help tame down the new (donor) T-cells that might be attacking my body (which IS working, btw). My counts are improving and as you know the doc says the liver biopsy test said I DO NOT have graft vs. host disease in my liver. Karsten/Hubby and I made the doc repeat this THREE times just to make sure we heard him right. They don't yet know what's wrong with my liver, but the light therapy is working, and it's possible when I get off all the drugs/antibiotics it will improve.

Well, I got an unexpected visit from a Nurse Practitioner (NP) yesterday, while I was having my blood work done on the photo machine. Apparently, I had an appointment with her and knew nothing about it. It was also out of the ordinary because I usually only see NPs weekly, and I'd just seen Dr. Myint (my main doctor) on Thursday. Well, yesterday was Monday, so I wasn't supposed to see an NP until Thursday of this week. But she came and here's what happened:

To sum it all up, she basically told me Dr. Myint DOES BELIEVE I have graft v. host disease in my liver, even though it didn't show up in the test results, and so they're going to treat me as if I do. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Of course, I started bawling and asked why the doc would say that? She said, I was crying because of the steroids and they make people crazy and do crazy things. I said, "No, I'm crying because you're contradicting what the doc said about my results." Because I was clearly upset, she said the steroids can make me feel suicidal. If I feel that way to call her immediately. I told her I wasn't feeling stinkin' suicidal, just upset by the contradictory information. And honestly, she's the LAST PERSON on the planet I'd call if I ever did feel suicidal (which I DON'T believe I ever will; I have FOUR KIDS that need me!). Instead, I might feel HOMicidal toward HER (please know I'm joking here)! ARG Why would she say the doctor is lying to me? Why?! Why would she do that to me? That's what she's saying, right? He's not being truthful? He's telling me one thing, but her another.

All I know is I left feeling completely beat up after this conversation. One of the nurses there that I highly respect didn't think they should lower the dose of my steroids too quickly/too soon (he told me not to expect it), but this NP got permission from another doc to lower it (my doc is out of town). Now I'm doubting if I should even listen to her! I'm not feeling very well today--I took the lower dose, but now I feel nauseous. Either it's stress from my conversation with her (which my mother-in-law witnessed and said the NP could have handled things much better), or it is the steroids making me feel nauseous. I'm waiting to hear back from my nurse coordinator to get this mess straightened out.

****

Okay, just talked to the nurse coordinator. She said that the tests were negative for graft vs. host diseases in my liver, but sometimes the tests give false negatives, so Dr. Myint doesn't trust it, so he's still going to treat my body as though I have the disease to play it safe. The doc NEVER said this to us, even after our making him repeat the results THREE times. Maybe he doesn't want to scare or worry us? But apparently, everyone knows what's going on but us. SIGH

Anyway, all I know is I'm in God's hands. He's my DOCTOR, and He's going to take care of things. Now, if I could just PRACTICE what I preach and quit all this worrying, I'd be FINE. LOL

I go in for a bunch of tests this week to see how the cancer is doing: PET scans, MRIs and another bone marrow biopsy. “JOY” I'd think the radiation fluid I have to drink for the PET scan wouldn't be good for my liver. Right? I mean . . . duh! SIGH But I'm not a doctor.

I'm still on steroids, so if I'm a little wacky, please forgive me. Sure miss being normal. It's gonna come. If you want to keep updated, just check out my Facebook and blog.

I just really don't like this particular nurse. She loves using words like: graft vs. host disease is a real MOTHER. You don't want it.

Well, DUH! Can you just tame your language down a bit? sigh It's stressful enough without her bombarding us. After hearing all that, I just wanted to drop facedown in a pile of mud and let God drag me away. My mother-in-law laughed when she heard that description. Though I was sincere, it was nice to see the humor in it, and it made me feel like Anne of Green Gables. I do tend to be a drama queen, and these steroids really don't help.

Well, that's the latest. Pray I have peace and will trust in the Lord.

Love you all,

Me xxx

I'm so vain.

2011-08-28T00:39:00.000-07:00

So, there's a picture of my "lovely" bald head on Facebook. I tried to paste it here, but for some reason, it won't work.

Here's Chelsea and Whitney instead. I'm the bald one on the right. :-) We were celebrating my daughter, Whitney's, 18th birthday. I'm so proud of the woman she's become. She truly loves God and does all in her power to please Him. I love you, Whitney. You make me proud. Happy Birthday!

Below is my grandma and me, watching the kids swim during Whitney's party. You won't be able to see some of the details of my head during my explanation below. If you're curious, drop by Facebook. You can see them there.

Anyway, here's what I had to say:

I can't believe this is me. Thank goodness it's only temporary. Notice the dent in my forehead? They cracked my skull during the biopsy of the tumor. "Lovely." It's amazing how I can still be so vain. What's it like for my four-year-old to look at me and know that freak . . . er . . . I mean, that bald, fat woman is her mother? Must not be too bad since she still hugs and kisses me, and still wants to cuddle with me.

It wasn't easy to share this photo, and my cheeks are so hard and heavy from the steroids, I can barely smile. sigh But I felt I needed to mark this moment in my cancer history. Like I said: I'm the only one who can't lose weight on chemo. Thank God He loves me no matter what I look like. LOL, SIGH, SOB, WEEPING. All the pictures from my past that I thought were ugly are now beautiful! Even the ones below. My mom is the one in pink, and Aunt Pat is on the right. Pat helped raise me and my sis and is like a second mom to me.

Chelsea with her Daddy at Kirsten's performance when she sang Blessings by Laura Story.

Kirsten and Chelsea. xxx

And there's my Aaron with Daddy and Kirsten.

Thank You, Father, that I'm still alive. Alive for my family. I'm here to continue the fight. Please just give me the strength because I can't do it without YOU.

Just a taste of those I'm fighting for. There's more, but I'm horrible at downloading these pictures.

And umm, Lord? Thank You for all the things You've taught us and continue to teach us throughout all this. I'd just like to put in a special request. When I'm healed, will You please give us all a really fun vacation? I have some places in mind (You know, here on this planet, e-hem). Just think about it, Lord.

Loving You, my Father, my GOD . . . through the FIRE.

I'm ready for some good news. How about you?

2011-08-25T22:47:00.001-07:00

I DO NOT HAVE GRAFT VS. HOST DISEASE IN MY LIVER!!!

My liver is SAFE FROM THIS NASTY DISEASE!! PRAISE GOD!!! THANK YOU, GOD!!!!

Yes, I know ALL CAPS means I'm yelling, but right now, I’m strung out on steroids, so that’s my excuse. :-)

I do have a slight case of graft vs. host, but it's only in my face/skin and mouth, which isn't as dangerous, obviously, but it's also so light, they feel they’re able to keep it under control. And they said they want a little of it because it will fight the cancer. The doc isn't worried and he will simply manage it. I think they believe they can bring it all under control. Well, I asked GOD to be my Head Physician, so I KNOW it’s gonna happen. He’s brought me this far, hasn’t He? I put my trust in Him, no matter what happens. No matter what happens, guys. My God is in charge whether I live or die.

The docs don't know why my liver enzymes are high. They said I have a fatty liver (this is BEFORE I started eating like a pig after being put on all the steroids, lol). But it's very likely the drugs are causing my liver enzymes to flare up because it was FINE before I started having drugs for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Either way, it's NOT THE DISEASE!!! What a HUGE relief!!! I BAWLED/SOBBED when I got in the car just thanking God over and over and over again.

OH!! They're going to cut my steroid dose in HALF and then slowly tapper off!!! The half dose starts tomorrow. I'm desperate for this! Thank You, God!

I don't know if I'll be able to sleep. I'm dying to EAT something. Oh, I ate so MUCH ice-cream and candy, the docs had to give me an insulin shot. LOL So, ice-cream and candy is now out of my diet!!! I'm so SAD!!! I DID EAT A TON of it. E-hem. I'm worried now, though. I don't know what else to eat but corn on the cob and sweet pickles (insane, I know; and even though I look it, no, I’m NOT pregnant, sigh). These are the only things that will go down. In fact, I really, really want some now (it’s 11 PM). In fact, bacon and eggs sound good NOW. See what happens. I go to bed thinking of FOOD ALL THE TIME. I’ve got to get these steroids out of my system.

LORD HELP!

I know it's because of all these prayers that have been going up on my behalf that God is hearing. Thank You, my God. Thank you my brothers and sisters in Christ. xxx

Love you all.

Sandi xxx

I'M HOME!

2011-08-18T19:36:00.000-07:00

I'm home! All went well. Will get the results next week. This graft vs. host disease is when the donor's cells attack my body. They want to make sure that's not happening. Apparently, the favorite spots to attack are the liver, GI tract and skin. And my liver enzymes are at an uncomfortable "high." They want to keep an eye on it. Thank you for your prayers. Love all of you.

Thursday TOMORROW

2011-08-17T21:01:00.000-07:00

TOMORROW (Thursday), I go in for outpatient surgery for that liver biopsy. They're talking about going through my neck (I already have a stinkin' hole in my neck, UGH! So, now I'm sure I'll look like Frankinstein.) Anyway, I know that's the least of my worries. lol Please pray it goes well. I'm so tired of this. So, so TIRED. Anyway, and I'm scared. After all I've been through, you'd think I could handle this. This all has to do with the graft vs host disease, so pray they'll be able to get this under control. That's what all this is for. sigh

More Tests Next Week

2011-08-12T16:47:00.000-07:00

Will be undergoing tests next week, including an outpatient liver biopsy (yuck). The new cells are attacking my liver, but my bilirubin is normal, so that's good. Pray the docs will be able to get the cells under control. In the meantime, I have to stay on these nasty steroids. Feel like I'm about to explode.

A very difficult update to write.

2011-08-10T16:05:00.001-07:00

I cry when I go to bed, and I cry when I wake up. You see, my stepdad has been diagnosed with T-cell Lymphoma, the same type of cancer I have, only it’s thankfully not in his blood. But he’s been undergoing chemo therapy for several months now. Then a precious sister from our home congregation was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer just a few months ago. Her youngest is the same age as my oldest (18). The mother, Meg, died on Saturday night, and and she’s leaving behind three kids, the oldest just graduated from college, and the middle is serving in the military. Her poor husband is now alone during this time that he and his wife should be experiencing that “empty nest” feeling and celebrating each other. I’m just heart broken! This is such an encouraging family. Meg was ready to go. She doesn’t want anyone wearing black to her funeral, which is this Thursday evening. Meg has the right attitude because it’s not about this life. She was ready to be with her Lord and Savior.

But I don’t have the right attitude. I’m so upset about Meg’s loss! Okay, it’s not her loss, but OUR loss. I’m upset that God would see fit to take this godly woman from our lives at this time. At a time where she’s going to miss her oldest son’s wedding, at a time where she’ll never meet her future grandchildren or be here for her family in ways we mother’s dream of being here. I’m so sad and hurting for her family, I can hardly write this post.

In the past year we’ve lost approximately eight people to cancer and other diseases in our home congregation. The congregation I belonged to just nine months ago, is not the same place. So many loved ones are missing. Yes, I know they’re in better places, but all I can think about are those left behind. I’m hurt and I’m angry.

I even feel guilty for surviving. I shared that with my husband and he told me to cuddle on the couch with my two youngest (ages four and eleven), and after that, the guilt went away. So, while I know God knows what’s best in every situation, I’m still upset and wailing that my sister Meg Stewart is gone.

I love you Meg, and I miss you so much!

As for me, my liver enzymes have doubled. They say it's nothing to worry about. Either they think it's the drugs I'm on or I'm suffering from graft vs. host disease. They don't know yet. I've been getting stronger. Went to church for the first time last Sunday, so I'm just taking one day at a time.

Please pray for Meg's family.

Love you all.

Update on my recovery

2011-07-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't posted much. I've just been too sick. But I thought I ought to let you all know what's going on. It's now day 38 since my transplant. They say for the first 100 days, I need a full-time caretaker. That's why my mother-in-law is here. It was very difficult to get out of bed this morning, knowing I was going to feel lousy. But . . . I got up. sigh I feel like this recover moves in three speeds: slow, slower, and slowest. The docs say I'm doing really well and my counts are great. Hard to believe, considering how I feel. But I'll try to focus on their positive news.

I just want to be a mom to my kids, make dinner, clean the house and do laundry. Who would have thought I'd ever LONG to do laundry and clean?!

I try to walk every day to get exercise. Going up and down the stairs helps build strength. None of it is easy. That's all I can say.

I have no desire to do the things I enjoy, like writing and reading. All I do is watch TV--yawn. It's hard to be patient with myself. I could use prayers for strength, both physically and emotionally.

Well, that's it!

God Feels So Far Away...

2011-06-09T16:15:00.000-07:00

It's really impressive that I can write this blog post because I really can't do much of anything else. My concentration is limited, etc. Please forgive any spelling or grammar errors.

So, I'm still in the hospital, and right after the transplant I got horrible sores in my mouth that ran through my entire GI tract. It was bad. I still have some sores, but it's not nearly as bad. Still, during all that time, the agonizing pain, the inability to do anything "normal," really made me feel ALONE. All my prayers consisted of (and still do to a point), "God, please help me. Help." And though I felt alone, I knew I wasn't. I knew God was here, whether I felt His presence or not. It's important that I don't base my faith on my feelings because when I do, that's when Satan gets a foothold in my life. Imagine the misery I would have felt had I given in to those feelings and BELIEVED that God wasn't near. I can't believe that, though. Ever. And Satan isn't going to make me believe it. Here's why.

In Acts 17:27b-28a Paul is talking to the Athenians and says, "He is not far from each one of us; for in Him we live and move and exist..."

He is aware of every breath I take. EVERY BREATH.

We can read more about God's all consuming presence in Psalms 139:7-16.

Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, even there Your hand will lead me, And Your right hand will lay hold of me. If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night," Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You. For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them.

I think the amazingness of that passage speaks for itself.

So, my FEELINGS say God is far away, but GOD SAYS, HE'S RIGHT HERE! I decided I'll listen to my God and not my emotions.

Also, when I look at things around me, God has constantly made sure I am not alone. I've had someone here with me day and night during my ENTIRE hospital stay! You know God shows His love for us through others, and He's done a marvelous job at showing me I'm NOT alone. How hurtful to God then for me to say, He feels so far away. I'm sure Satan is having a great time with that one. sigh I'm sorry, Father. I love You SO MUCH!!! xxx

Speaking of loving God, think of how RUDE it is when we chose to love Him only when things are going well in our lives. I mean, really. He never promised us a rose garden. What does He "owe" us anyway? Absolutely NOTHING. It's us who owe Him EVERYTHING. After all, He's the one who gave us life. Who formed us in our mother's wombs. Who preordained our days. And then we chose sin over Him.

The fact that He's already numbered my days should also help me not to worry! Since He's in charge, who am I to worry about when I might not make it, or when something bad happens? See, there's a chance I could get a bad case of "graft vs. host" disease. I need enough for the new cells to fight off the cancer, but not too much to where it starts fighting off my major organs, etc. So, I'd really appreciate your prayers for a positive outcome.

Anyway, this knowledge that I'm in God's care really makes me want to praise my Lord and Savior. And I've found that during that miserable time in my life, praising Him is really the only thing that gives me any peace. I think it's because He's unchanging. He's the only constant, the only thing in this life that I can truly count on, depend on, lean on. Now I understand why the first thing Job did when he lost all his family and everything was to fall on his knees and praise God.

God is GREAT. God is GOOD. Thank You my Heavenly Father. Praise You!!! xxx Oh, how I wish I could KISS HIM. Lean back in His strong arms, and let Him carry me. Hmm. I can do some of that now. I'm leaning back in His strong, comforting arms. As much as I hate it in this hospital where there's no sleep, very little positive, I am in my Father's arms. Just reread those verses above. If He's that CLOSE, then He's holding me, and I can feel His breath against my cheek where He's bending over to kiss me. Just think of the greatest, most loving father you know, and realize, God is a GAZILLION times BETTER! How wonderful to have God as my Father, as my Abba, as my Daddy. I'm His little girl. I've always been a daddy's girl. Well, I'm thrilled to be HIS.

Now, allow me to share a HUGE blessing God gave me while I've been stuck in this hospital. I really hope the link works because I'm unable to access YouTube from the hospital. The following was a gift from my daughter, Kirsten (14 years old; eighth grade). She dedicated a song to me during her school talent show. Makes me cry every time I watch it. I hope it touches all of you as well. You can't see the audience, but she got a standing ovation. This song is called Blessings by Laura Story.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKKzY0AXukY

THE BATTLE and the Foreward to YAHSHUA'S BRIDGE

2011-05-22T20:08:00.000-07:00

Many of you already know of this, but on November 1, 2010, the very day my debut novel THE MASTER'S WALL was released, I was diagnosed with Stage 4 T-cell Lymphoma: cancer. Since then, I've been undergoing the fight of my life, but not without the support of my family, church family, friends, schools, and the ACFW family. Truly, the prayers and support have rocked our world!

Well, I'm now nearing the final battle. I'm in the hospital getting ready to undergo a bone marrow transplant. I've completed three days of totally body radiation, and just finished my last round of chemo today. Without the donor's bone marrow, I won't survive. The donor's bone marrow will arrive on the 24th (this Tuesday) and will be injected into my body (much like getting blood). Please pray for my donor. We haven't met, but I know he's in a lot of pain with the injections he has to take to produce more blood (all this for a complete stranger; it's amazing!).

Anyway, I just wanted some extra prayers coming my way during this time. I likely won't have much energy in the upcoming weeks as my body will be at war within itself. The new marrow is supposed to grow and wipe out my old marrow, and in effect, tackle the cancer. Please pray it only takes out the cancer and nothing of "me." There's a chance it could attack my skin, gut, or liver.

It's a scary time, and I have four children counting on this to work (17, 14, 11 and 3). My husband is using time off to be with me during my difficult times (he's also able to work from the hospital most times), and his parents are in town from Holland to help out at the house with the kids. My sister will be with me during my worst of times next week.

In the meantime, my second book galleys are being proofed. I sent them on to my editor, Wendy Chorot, to proof them. I just can't do it. I pray I'll have the strength to read the ARCs once those are released, and Lord willing, I won't find anything major that needs fixing! :-) It's rather ironic that this story is to release after/during all I've been through. You can read the book jacket description of it on my last blog entry and see the cover. In the meantime, I'll share the foreward with you below, which gives better insight into just how deep this story goes. I thought the foreward was very touching, and it might give you all an idea of what this road has been like for me.

Love you all, and thank you so much for your prayers. If you'd like to share this with other prayer groups or blogs, please do! ALL the prayers I can get mean everything to me! EVERYTHING!

Love in Him,

Sandi

***

Foreward for YAHSHUA'S BRIDGE (Iron and the Stone: book two)

Nothing could have prepared me for the gut-twisting pain of discovering Sandi Rog was diagnosed with stage four T-cell Lymphoma. I have never experienced such raw, hyperventilating terror as the realization of what my best friend would endure sank into my heart.

This diagnosis came on the eve of birthing Yahshua’s Bridge, though she suffered many months prior to its completion. Each word became a struggle as she experienced devastating symptoms of the cancer that threatened to abort Yahshua’s Bridge. But Sandi pressed on, ran the good race, and word by precious word, completed this God-honoring masterpiece. The moment it fell into my hands for editing, I realized God had provided me with a coping mechanism for dealing with the grief of her diagnosis. As I sank further into the story, I realized God had provided Sandi with the same comforting tool. You see, Sandi doesn’t write anything about God that she doesn’t believe. As these characters came alive in the story, each with their own struggles, Sandi weaved truths and promises around them that come straight from our Lord’s Word. Truths and promises her family and friends can echo back to her when she is too weak to read them for herself.

You, Dear Reader, have in your hands a work of art built on the Master’s teachings. Yahshua’s Bridge will stir your soul, send you to your knees, and then cradle you and pour sweet peace into the corners of your heart. Its depths will leave you breathless for your savior while offering you comfort only His embrace can give. Yahshua’s Bridge carries the marks of suffering Sandi Rog endured to guarantee it touches you forever.

Wendy Chorot

THE COVER TO YAHSHUA'S BRIDGE!!!

2011-05-18T16:36:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it worked! I can't usually access blogs from the hospital. Yay God! Here's the cover to my next book, Yahshua's Bridge. First, the book jacket copy:

YAHSHUA'S BRIDGE

(BOOK TWO)

Theme: Enslaved by sin. Set free by Christ.

An amethyst stone draws him to his past. An elusive maiden draws him to his future.

Alexander is born into slavery under an abusive master: a master of his own flesh and blood . . . a man he will never call Father. Determined to break away from his master’s hold, Alexander devises a plan to purchase his freedom. But what's he to do when he finds himself shipped off in shackles to Egypt, disappearing from the lives of everyone he knows and loves?

If you click on the cover, it will enlarge and you'll be able to get a better look at it.

You don't have to read the first book, THE MASTER'S WALL, to enjoy this one, but you might enjoy it MORE if you do! :-) YAHSHUA'S BRIDGE releases THIS FALL!

Every Breath I Take

2011-05-15T23:48:00.000-07:00

I go in on Tuesday to start my regiment for the transplant. On that day, I'll get a new port put in my chest. "Joy." I've had a picc line in my arm, but that won't be enough, so . . . yeah. Starting on Wednesday, I'll be getting full body radiation for three days, which I hear is worse than chemo, yikes. Then the next two days will be extreme chemo. On the 23rd, I'll get a break, and on the morning of the 24th, I'll get the bone marrow transplant. Then we wait.

Whew.

As the days for this draw near, I find myself hyperventilating. I've always had this problem. It's not the kind of hyperventilating that can be fixed by putting a brown bag over my mouth. It's apparently called "hyperventilation syndrome." If you google it, you can read more about it. Point is, the closer the day comes, the more dizzy I get. I already fight vertigo because of the stupid MS. Well, now my nervousness makes me dizzy too! I'm just meant to be dizzy! ARG.

Anyway... I try not to dwell on that mess, otherwise I'd go nuts. That's biblical, you know. Where is it? Philippines 4:8.

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

I like that word: DWELL. You know, with all the crap that's happened to me over the years, I believe I could literally go insane if that's all I thought about. Think about it. (No pun intended, lol.) We become what we think about. I could dwell on all the abuse I've suffered and really feel miserable. Or I could focus on God and His love and what He's done for me in my life and be happy. Personally, I hate feeling miserable, so that's one of the reasons I try to focus on the positive. I'm hardly perfect at it, and I'm certainly no Job and have sinned with my lips and even yelled at God. So yes, I've had my negative moments. But God has gotten me through them. I certainly don't deserve His help, but He gives it to me anyway.

Now, speaking of "dwelling," or where I "focus" my mind, there's something positive I need to share with you about my dad. I've shared plenty of negative about him, and although he's caused me and others A LOT of grief, I also know I'm a better person because of him for many reasons. You see, he did something for me when I was a child that's CARRIED me through all the health mess I've been facing.

When I was about five, he took me to a check-up where I had to get a shot. Well, before the shot, he asked the doc/nurse to let him have a moment of private time with me to prepare me for this shot. (I'd had plenty of shots when Mom would bring me to the doc's, but this was the first time I remember Dad taking me. I never caused a ruckus, so I didn't really understand why he felt he had to talk to me about it, but now I know, and I believe God used that moment for me TODAY.) Dad sat with me and told me in detail how if I just relax during this shot, it won't hurt as badly. He said, it will hurt, but I just need to focus/dwell/concentrate on relaxing my body. He took a whole five minutes to explain this to me. :-)

Well, with all the MRI's, the radiations where I've had to wear a tight mask (I'm claustrophobic), and the pet scans and other tests, the many shots and having a picc line in my arm, not to mention the upcoming port they're going to put in my chest . . . I've really had to concentrate on RELAXING my body. It's not easy because I'm a very uptight person. But my mind constantly flashes back to that five minutes my dad took in the doctor's office to tell me that all I needed to do was relax and it wouldn't hurt as badly. Not only does relaxing make it not hurt as badly, but it also makes these tests get done much faster. After all, if I were to panic, we'd have to stop and start again, stop and start again. I can't tell you how often I've wanted to stop and NOT start again, but I really didn't want to prolong the inevitable. Nor did I want to have drugs to knock me out because it takes days for that mess to get out of my body. Anyway, God used my dad at that time to help me NOW. Isn't that amazing? Thank You, God.

So . . . back to breathing. Or "hyperventilating." I don't know why I hyperventilate. I do it without even realizing it. What makes me realize it is I get dizzy. Ha! Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about breathing lately.

I know. Weird.

You see, I watched my grandpa die. While he was on his death bed, all he could do was BREATHE. He could barely utter one word at a time, and it took all he had to suck in a breath. I've felt that way numerous times during all this mess. Only difference is, nothing can stop me from talking. But that's a another story. Anyway . . . I always wondered what made my grandpa stop breathing? Was it that he just didn't have the strength anymore? He died after he saw my mom. He'd requested to see her, and she came. After she left, he died. He loved my mom. She was very special to him. She was a hard worker, and he liked hard workers. All I know is, he stopped breathing after he saw her. We'd walked out of the room and took her to her car. When we walked back into the house, Grandpa was gone. He'd finally taken his last breath.

My thoughts about breathing of course involve God. I believe if God knows the number of hairs we have on our head (Matt. 10:30), which I could care less about, then He also knows every breath we take. And He knows my every breath. And . . . He knows how many I have left. It also means . . . He's VERY CLOSE. Imagine how it is when you go to kiss someone. Sometimes our breaths intermingle. Imagine being that close to God! Wouldn't it be wonderful to KISS HIM? I mean like a parent kisses a child. I love kissing my babies. I don't care how big they get. I'm sure He'd love to kiss us too.

Acts 17:27-28 says: God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. ‘For in him we live and move and have our being.’ As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring.’

In a previous post I asked: why, oh why, does my heart become heavy when I feel like fighting for my will?

As I was reading through that post, the answer hit me. It's because I'm not putting God first. It's like Abraham when God asked him to offer up Isaac. Isaac was his son! The boy was precious to him and held all his hopes and dreams for the future. But would Abraham be willing to let go of all he held dear for his God? Well, he WAS WILLING, and then God gave the boy back to him. But you know after that moment, Abraham knew God was first and foremost in his life. God came before his son, his precious child. God reigned in Abraham's heart. Well, He needs to reign in mine as well. He needs to reign above my children (they are the reason I want so badly to LIVE) and above my life. I need to love God more than life itself. My will needs to be set aside for that of my heavenly Father's.

I have to say, it's a lot less stressful putting everything in God's hands. After all, He knows what's BEST. Doing this means I'm not fighting and worrying about my will. I'm just letting go and letting God. I'm in His hands. I know. I've said that a billion times. But instead of standing in His hands with MY hands on my hips and arguing with Him and trying to convince Him of what I think is best, I'm going to lie down on His loving palms, and TRUST in Him to perform His will in my life. That's what I HAVE to do, otherwise, I won't be able to RELAX.

I must TRUST in Him, TRUST that He's aware of every breath I take. Please pray that I'll have the strength to do this!

Jeremiah 17:7-8

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD,
   whose confidence is in him.
⁸ They will be like a tree planted by the water
   that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
   its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
   and never fails to bear fruit.”

EXCITING NEWS!!!

2011-05-08T21:36:00.000-07:00

I just got word from WhiteFire Publishing that they’d like to publish my Inspirational Western WALKS ALONE as one of their releases for 2012!!! I'm absolutely thrilled and honored! I feel like this is the PERFECT home for WALKS ALONE. Here’s their link so you can check them out: http://www.whitefire-publishing.com/.

Since many of you haven't heard of this story, here's a book jacket blurb:

WALKS ALONE

A Cheyenne warrior bent on vengeance. A pioneer woman bent on fulfilling a dream. –Until their paths collide.

White Eagle, a Cheyenne warrior, has a dilemma: he can't find God.

A man with a boot in one world and a moccasin in the other, White Eagle is disillusioned with his faith after a minister leads a massacre on his peaceful tribe. Where is his God? He's definitely not with the white men who are slaughtering his people. But White Eagle also can't give in to the idolatry practiced by his fellow tribesmen. Only the Truth can set him free. And it's found in a beautiful woman's carpetbag.

Anna van Stralen, a pioneer from Holland, has one goal: to reach Denver City.

Nothing will stop her, not even a band of wild Indians. After escaping her abusive uncle, Anna is determined to reach the city of her dreams. But White Eagle and his fierce warriors take her captive. Desperate to make it home, she attempts a harrowing escape. But her savage captor is determined to have Anna at all costs. He recaptures her and forces her to be his wife. Has God forgotten her, or does He have plans of His own?

Rambling about my faith, or lack thereof (and an update)

2011-05-04T23:00:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a while because I feel like all I talk about is cancer, and really . . . who wants to talk about that? Yuck! But that's all my life has been about lately, and I figure, you all need an update, and it's about time I put one up. So . . . here we go.

My blog's theme is this:

If the world says you can't, faith says you can!

Well, I applied this to finding the castle of my dreams, so why can't I apply this to what's happening right now? I mean, I told EVERYONE I knew, I was going to see this castle. You know, the castle that's all over my blog. I had no idea where this castle was or what it was called. My lack of knowledge didn't matter. I was determined, and I was going to see this castle

. . . and I DID!

So, why can't I have the same kind of faith and say, I'm going to be completely healed of both cancer and MS and be stronger after this transplant than I've ever been? Why can't I say that with as much determination and confidence?

I think part of my problem is . . . God.

You see, He has a will in this. The question is: What is His will? Surely He wants me healed and to stay here for my children. Right? At the same time, He may need to give us what we "need" and not what we "want." Personally, I don't think I "need" to be broken. I need to be whole and healed so I can be the best mother I can be for my kids! At least, that's what I think. That's MY WILL. But why, oh why, does my heart become heavy when I feel like fighting for my will?

I feel like it's one thing to say I'm gonna see a castle and another to say I'm gonna be healed. What's different about these two things? I remember I didn't feel like I had anything to lose when I wanted to see that castle. If it didn't happen, it wasn't the end of the world. In this case, I have everything to lose if it doesn't happen. You'd think that'd make me have more faith, more determination! What's my stinkin' problem? UGH!

Then I figured it out. How I can say the words with the same confidence.

LORD WILLING, I am going to be completely HEALED of both cancer and MS and be stronger after this transplant than I've ever been.

Hmm. I'm not feeling it. The confidence, I mean.

I think that's because I knew a mother who left a five-year-old girl behind when she died of cancer, and she had confidence that she was going to be healed.

I don't think I like leaving this in God's hands. Whew. That's bad. That's really bad. But it's true. (I'm sorry, God!) But if I'm honest, I believe that's my problem, as much as I hate to admit it. My fear is God either wants to take me from here or He wants me to be broken . . .

Okay, I have to say, just as I wrote those words "God wants me to be broken," something inside me shouted NO, THAT'S NOT TRUE! GOD DOES NOT WANT YOU TO BE BROKEN.

A brother from church said he believes I'm going to be healed because God's hand has been in this from the beginning. If you recall, my doc "just happens" to be a doc who wrote the paper with another doc on how to cure MS, and I'm undergoing the same treatments they're performing on MS patients to see if this will cure them. Just before this cancer was revealed I asked God to heal me. Well, I'd asked him to heal me a billion times, but this one moment was special. I can't explain in words what made it special, but all I know is my heart was in God's hands (there's more to it than that, but I won't get into it). I asked Him to heal me. And I believed, and still believe, He has the power to do so.

Think of it this way, God says we don't have because we don't ask. Well, I asked, and I'm still asking!

Of course, I was hoping for Him to just snap His fingers and voila, I'd be healed! But instead, I got cancer (oh, and this just happened to occur when I was also asking God for a reprieve from being sick; to put my MS in remission). sigh

Guess I'm A LOT stronger than I thought. Actually, I'm not strong AT ALL. I've only been able to get through this with HIS strength. I'm seeing that more and more. Just the other day I was complaining to my aunt who came with me to the infusion center that I'm the only one in the world who can't lose weight on chemo. (I've been irritated that I've gained at least 15 pounds since all this started.) Well, after saying that with a laugh in my voice, a woman who was a stick reached out to me and said, "I'll take some of that weight." My heart broke, and that's when I realized I needed to thank God for all this extra fat He's given me. Apparently, I'm gonna need it for the transplant. The docs and nurses keep telling me this. Then I was in the bathroom and saw a woman from the cancer infusion center walk in with her little three-year-old daughter (same age as my little Chelsea), and the woman's mother was with her (the grandmother of the three-year-old). All I saw was the woman's face as she went into the stall with her little girl, and I was talking to the grandma about the little girl, asking her age and then telling her I had a little girl the same age. Anyway, as I was walking out, something moved me to say to them, "Everything's gonna be all right." I was nearly out the door when I added, "I know it's a lot easier to hear than to feel." Then the grandmother said, "Yes, but it's still good to hear." When I came out, I told my aunt what I'd said, and she pointed out the fact that the mother of the three-year-old was very pregnant. I didn't SEE THAT! And I started crying, and I'm crying now as I write this because had I known that, I wouldn't have been able to say those words! So . . . now I pray for her nearly everyday. That everything WILL BE ALL RIGHT. Please pray for this precious mom who has this three-year-old girl and a baby on the way as she struggles with cancer. Pray she and her unborn child WINS this battle!

God . . . I am yours. I belong to You. My body is in Your hands, no other. Not the doctors at the hospital, not the nurses, but YOURS. You are my physician, my oncologist, my neurologist, my nurse, my one and only DOCTOR. Work through ALL of the nurses and doctors, please use them as Your tools to heal me. To make me whole and unbroken. To make me stronger than I've ever been before. (And will You please do the same for that pregnant woman with the little three-year-old!) I know this world is temporary and it's really not important to be "unbroken" while we're here. I know we can learn a lot and become stronger from our brokenness. It builds faith and character. Well, I've had enough, to be quite honest. I'm sorry for being such a complainer, Lord. I'm sorry for not "counting it as all joy." I'm just so tired of fighting. Fighting to grow up so I could live my own life, fighting crisis after crisis, and now THIS. Well, I'm done. You're gonna have to fight this for me, and I want You to show me what You've got. Show me Your power, Father. I know I can read all about Your greatness in Your word, but I want to see Your power in THIS . . . AND in that pregnant woman's situation. Please show us Your greatness, Lord. Your HEALING power. In Jesus' Name, Amen

Now, back to my readers.

Here's a boring update. I finish my last radiation this Friday (it's been localized directly on my tumor), and then I get a ten day break. After that, I go into the hospital on May 17th. On the 18, 19 and 20 I'll undergo full body radiation, and then on the following days, I'll get chemo. After all my bone marrow is flattened, they'll give me the donor's bone marrow. (By the way, will you pray for this guy? He has to undergo quite a bit to give me his bone marrow. It's really amazing he's willing to undergo what he's going through.) After that, we wait. We wait for my counts to go back up, then I can be sent home. But the fight isn't over after that. I'll have to go back to the hospital every other day for them to check my blood counts, and I'll be very prone to getting sick (which could be very dangerous). It won't be until around September that this donor's bone marrow will fully kick in, and that's when we'll find out if his white cells are going to attack my body or not (it could attack my skin, gut or liver). I'm praying this man's bone marrow will LIKE my body and not attack it. :-) I'm praying I won't get sick or have any complications, and well . . . I'm praying for A LOT of things.

That's it for now. Here's a song I'd like to share with all of you. It's called BLESSINGS.

MY BOOK WON!!!!

2011-04-15T09:28:00.000-07:00

My book THE MASTER’S WALL has won the 2011 Christian Small Publisher Book of the Year Award in the Fiction category!!! Thank you to all those who voted for my book!

It’s great to get this good news. I really needed it.

Something Beautiful

2011-04-10T19:27:00.000-07:00

I’ve been holding this in for a couple months, but now, it’s safe to share. And now that it’s safe to share, I find I’m having the hardest time putting this down on the page. It’s something I’ve been dying to tell everyone. Something I’ve been jumping up and down about (inside, since I can’t do that very well physically, right now, lol). But really, there are no words to describe the joy and excitement I feel over this news.

For years when people would ask how many siblings I had, I’d say, I have one sister (the one you all met earlier; she came to see if she’d be a match for me), and then I’d add, I also have a half sister who I haven’t seen since she was two. We have the same father, and to keep her safe from him, her mother “disappeared” with her from our lives.

I remember when she was born, how cute she was, and how I’d make her giggle while playing peekaboo. She was my precious baby sister, and I longed to find her, to get to know her, and to simply love her. But for complicated reasons, that wasn’t to happen . . . until now.

Recently, I was reunited with my “baby sister,” Charis Joy Jackson (family calls her “Cari,” and that’s what I’ve always called her, so if I ever slip up and call her “Cari,” you’ll know why and who I’m talking about). She is 27 years old now and works in film with YWAM. You can read all about her work here: http://www.ywamconnect.com/sites/Charisjoy. You can also read her version of this grand event. It’s amazing how much we have in common! She also loves to write and has written several screenplays that have been made into short films. She sings and we can talk without end together . . . and just like years ago, she still has a beautiful (precious) laugh.

Below is a picture of all of us sisters. Cari is in the center. That’s me on the left (with my wig rising up, lol), and Kelli on the far right.

Charis Joy has brought renewed joy in our lives.

A beautiful thing: sisters reunited.

GOOD NEWS!!!

2011-04-06T21:22:00.000-07:00

NO CANCER was found in my bone marrow! This means the chemo worked! Yeah!!! Thank You God! Thank God for all His blessings!

But the fight isn't over.

Starting on the 18th, I'll be undergoing radiation treatment aimed specifically on the tumor in my head. This shouldn't be too bad and will have few side-affects. I'll do this until May 3rd. Then . . .

On May 3rd, I'll go into the hospital and have three days of FULL BODY radiation. I've heard that this is worse than chemo. Gulp. After that, I'll undergo what the docs are calling "chemo from hell" because it will completely kill my bone marrow. That will last four or five days. After that, I'll get the transplant. Then we wait for the new cells to grow and wipe out my old cells and any disease that's left over. Whew.

The reason they have to give me new bone marrow is because the cancer will return. The less disease the new cells have to fight against, the better chance we have of them winning.

Despite the good news, I've been very down lately and having a hard time getting out of this "slump." I should be feeling great! I haven't had chemo in weeks, and I'm so much stronger than I've been since this whole thing started. I don't know what my problem is. sigh I guess I'm just scared. And well . . . there have been other things going on my my life.

Anyway, there ya have it! :-)

A "minor setback"

2011-03-30T14:06:00.000-07:00

That's what the doctor called it.

I was supposed to be admitted into the hospital on Tuesday for another round of chemo, but my doc cancelled it and wanted me to come in with my husband for a consultation. This scared me because they told me to bring my hubby. I feared that meant they had bad news. So, we went in this morning and the doc was very positive. He said my tumor has indeed grown a bit, and that means we'll have to go after it with radiation. There was talk of radiation in the beginning of the treatment but it was never certain if I'd need it. He said the cancer cells are "smart," and if they see they're being attacked through the blood (the chemo goes through an IV straight into the blood), the cells can cut themselves off from the blood (the chemo) and feed off of the surrounding tissue. It hasn't broken through the membrane surrounding my brain, so that's good! This also means I have no excuses if I act stupid! Shucks!

Anyway, so because the tumor has cut itself off from the chemo, they'll have to treat it with radiation, which will be kind of like a "cyber knife." I got a bone marrow biopsy done today (ouch!), and they'll find out the results the beginning of next week as to whether or not the cancer is still in the blood/bone marrow. The doc feels positive it isn't and that's why he cancelled this last round of chemo. IF I do still have cancer in my bone marrow, then I'll need another round of chemo. As for the radiation, I'll start that in the next few days, or next week. They're supposed to call. I'll have to go in everyday for radiation for anywhere between 5 and 20 days.

Pray the radiation completely wipes out the cancer in just a few days and that my bone marrow is free of cancer. If these things happen, I'll be able to go in for my transplant that much sooner. If things are delayed, then my transplant will take place much later.

So, there ya have it!

Feeling Discouraged

2011-03-26T20:57:00.000-07:00

I go in for my next chemo treatment on Tuesday. I'll be in for five days. This chemo round has been postponed because I almost bled to death. Anyway, they had me go in for an MRI, and it turns out my tumor has grown since the last MRI in Jan. I'm so discouraged by this! I didn't get to talk to the doctor, only the nurse practitioner. She says to let the doc worry about it, and he said to continue with the chemo and then the bone marrow transplant after that. I'll get to talk to him personally while I'm in for chemo. Anyway, the nurse went on to say that the transplant is a cure, so when we get to that, things will be better. All I know is, when I was first diagnosed, the doc said that this cancer responds well to chemo. But if my tumor has grown, it sure doesn't sound like it's responding well. sigh

Anyway, will you please PRAY that this transplant completely CURES and HEALS me? No MS and no cancer. I'm so tired of being sick.

TERRIFIED

2011-03-15T17:44:00.000-07:00

Okay, now that I want to LIVE, Satan is using it against me! Because I really don't want to die, now I'm scared to death that I will! UGH! Honestly, it was so much easier when I didn't care. sigh All I can think of are my children and how they need me and how I WANT TO BE HERE FOR THEM!

I'm really ticked off that I feel this way (which might be a good thing; maybe it'll give me the strength I need to fight it). I had a panic attack during my last hospital stay--that's when I almost bled to death. I was fine and not really scared until the docs let me know how scared they were. That's when I realized the seriousness of the situation. My husband told me I had to get seven units of blood, and the docs were really shaken up. Well, now I'm freaked out! They didn't smile when I said if I can get through this, I can get through the bone marrow transplant, and that was the last straw. I was washing my hands, which I've done a million times, and when I looked in the mirror and saw my bald self staring back at me, I asked, "Who is that woman in the mirror?" The person staring back at me was not "Sandi." It was not the woman and girl I've always known. It was a bald creature who didn't even look female. It was an alien. My eyebrows are gone and so are my eyelashes, not to mention my hair. Even though I've seen myself a gazillion times like this (I mean, I KNOW what I look like), I just freaked out all of a sudden. It's the first time I've felt "unstable" inside, like I might flip out or something. So, I sat on my bed and prayed. I grabbed my Bible, but only turned to passages about Jerusalem being destroyed, and it really wasn't helpful. sigh All I know is, now I'm SCARED.

I wish I could just step out of my body to let them fix me, then when they're done, I'll get back in. If only it could be so easy! I've already heard that there are a lot of things that can go wrong during the transplant process. It's really going to be like another chemo run, where I'm hooked up to an IV for days. Then when all my own bone marrow is "dead," or as the doc says, "flattened," they'll put the new cells/bone marrow in me from the donor. There are chances my body will reject them, etc. They said, I could end up in ICU during any step of this, especially because I won't have an immune system. All kinds of things could go wrong. ARG! I don't want to think of everything that could go wrong. It scares me! I don't like being scared.

I asked God to help me!!! Give me a verse! Take away my fear!

Well, recently I got this card. It had Isaiah 41:10:

"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Isn't that the most awesome verse?! This is GOD speaking! He's telling me NOT to be afraid because He's WITH ME. He's telling me not to be dismayed (boy have I been!) because HE IS MY GOD. Remember in my last post how I said in my prayer, HE's in charge! Well, I need to remember that because Satan so wants me to believe he's the one in charge, sigh. Then God goes on to say that He WILL STRENGTHEN ME!!! I so NEED His strength right now! I've said so often how I can only get through this with His strength because I really don't have it on my own.

. . . And He will HELP ME. What a comfort that is! How comforting it is to be completely helpless and stranded and to have a hero come along and rescue me. God is my hero. He's the ultimate hero. I love writing about heroes in my stories, but God is the most handsome, the most gentle, and the most powerful. He doesn't even have to flex to show off his muscles. :-) Think about it. He invented the things. How much more perfect are HIS?! LOL Yes, I know. It's a bit strange talking about God's "muscles." Just try to think of it not only in a physical sense, but in a spiritual sense as well. What did we grow up singing in the song Jesus Loves Me? "I am weak, but He is strong." And with that thought in mind, let's read the last part of the verse again: "I will uphold you in my righteous HAND." Tears are in my eyes because I'm only just now recalling what I wrote in my last post about His hands! I asked Jesus to hold me in His precious hands, the hands I want to kiss, to hold on to and never let go! Aaaahhhh. Yes, I have a thing about hands. Especially those of my heavenly Father.

The key is I need to FOCUS, DWELL on this verse. You know how it says to do that in Phil. 4:8, to DWELL or MEDITATE on ALL that's positive. That's what I need to do with this verse. I'm going to print it out and pin it up on the wall of my hospital room when I go in for the transplant. You know I'll be stuck, stranded, TRAPPED in the hospital during that time for at least a month! sigh I'll deal with that one later.

One thing at a time, right? Right now, I need to conquer this stinkin' fear.

Oh, and remember, I found that verse from one of the many cards I've gotten! Your cards don't go unread and are hugely appreciated and are a wonderful blessing! God used you to give me the tools I need to get through this.

Answered Prayer

2011-03-02T22:38:00.000-08:00

I have a lot of answered prayers, really. God spoils me at times, so much so, He can’t be ignored.

A couple days ago, He came through for me again.

You see, I almost bled to death. I was rushed to the ER a couple nights ago. I don't even know what day it was, can't remember. . . . Okay, it was Sunday. What happened was we got these new pill holders with each day labeled. Well, I can't think clearly, so I assumed my oral contraceptive was in with all the millions of other pills. But it wasn't, so I missed taking it for four or five days. It was a misunderstanding because the contraceptive was in his own case. I basically eat pills for breakfast and dinner, so it's hard to keep track of everything. Well, because I missed the pill for so long, I started my period. Normally that wouldn't be a bad thing, but because my blood counts are already down and in a dangerous level, having a period isn't a good thing, especially when your platelets (these clot the blood) are so low. So, because my blood had no way to clot, my flow was extreme, and I went through a gazillion pads in one day.

After nearly fainting four or five times by midnight, hubby raced me to the ER. I did NOT want to go because it's horrible there, but I knew I had to. They really don’t know much about cancer patients, so I find myself explaining to them why they can or can’t do what they’re about to do!

Turned out I had lost HALF my blood! Had I stayed home, the doc said I likely wouldn’t have made it through the night. GULP He and the nurses said I gave them quite a scare, and even when the bone marrow patients go through their transplants, they don’t lose that much blood. I said, “Well, that’s good then! If I can get through this, then I can get through the bone marrow transplant without any problems.” I smiled, but they didn’t. SIGH Pray I get through the bone marrow transplant without any problems, will ya? It’s supposed to take place sometime in April. I’ll be in the hospital for a month. Yuck.

Anyway, while I was at home and wondering if I should go to the ER or not, I was lying in bed and just asked God to help us do the right thing. I also asked Him to hold me close. To come near me and drive Satan far away. I said, “You are the one in control, not him. I know he’d like me to believe he’s got the power, but I know he doesn’t, and that You, my God, are in charge. I mean, I’m you’re child, so if he wants to do anything to me, he has to get Your permission, right? So, please take charge of me, and if it be Your will, let me live!”

Well, it’s a few days later, and I now have the strength to share this with you.

I think God’s answer to that prayer is clear! I think it’s obvious who is in control and who has the power. And even if I were to have died, those things still wouldn’t have changed. The good thing about this is His answer was yes!

Thank You, God. I love You so much! I want to lie down next to You, to snuggle close and share all my secrets with You, tell You all about my dreams, knowing You will treasure them in your heart and not whisper them to others. I want to take Your hand and walk with You in our bare feet through the grass. I want to kiss Your hands, my Lord Jesus, kiss the scars on them and place them on my cheeks, knowing, trusting that You love me. You love me so much and with such passion, You gave Your life for me. Please, let me touch the scars on those beloved palms. Please, let me kiss the tips of your fingers. Please, use them to wipe away my tears. I love Your hands. Keep them on me, hold me close and give me peace.

Truth is, I was looking forward to heaven . . .

2011-02-22T12:20:00.000-08:00

The following isn't easy to share, and it may not be easy to read, but I have to be honest. There’s always a lesson to be learned in life, and this was a powerful one for me.

Not sure how many read my Facebook, but there was a time I wrote: “Even if I wanted to die, you guys aren’t going to let me!” It was true. When the announcement of my cancer came out, prayer warriors sprang up from out of nowhere, and I knew I wasn’t going to have my way!

You see, when I found out I had a tumor on or near my brain, all I could think of was FINALLY I can be done with this life! I was exhausted (from already fighting MS and the many crises I had to face). My life has been hard. I know, I know. I think most of us can say that. Some of you are probably familiar with my story of wanting to die at age five after getting a beating from my dad. I couldn’t wait to grow up to get out of the abuse and start running my own life, make my own choices. But I soon came to learn that you don’t always reap what you sow (not on earth anyway; it’s all waiting for us in heaven; Hebrews 4 talks about the believer's rest).

Well, I longed for that REST.

Anyway, while I was sitting in the hospital and the doc told me that I had a good chance to “fight this thing,” my family cheered all around me (I had my mother, a couple aunts and my grandma there with me). But while they were cheering, . . .

I got ANGRY.

Heck, I was prepared to leave on a GRAND TRIP, something a million times better than going to Hawaii! I was going to HEAVEN to finally be with my Lord and Savior!

I’ve already written posts on this blog about what I think it’d be like to meet Him. But my doctor’s words made all those dreams of FREEDOM come to a screeching halt.

Now I had to FIGHT AGAIN?! I didn’t want to fight anymore! I was done FIGHTING! Please God, just let me DIE already, will ya? I was EXHAUSTED from the trials of this life.

Yes, that was my thinking. I've been fighting my entire life, and I just wanted to be DONE.

I won’t name all the trials and heartache and crises’s I’d faced up until that point. Let’s just say, MS was taking its final toll. It was the icing on the cake, so-to-speak. And considering everything I'd already been through, none of my family were surprised I "caught" MS. They say stress causes disease. Well, it's true.

At the time of my cancer announcement, I had a loving husband and four children who needed me. But I saw absolutely no value in myself. I figured, my mother-in-law would do a better job raising my kids than I would, so I could die and let her do it! And my hubby could easily remarry. Truth is, I was ready to throw in the towel.

But God had other plans.

Many of you realize my diagnosis came on the very day my first book, THE MASTER'S WALL, released. I didn’t even get to have the pleasure of fully enjoying that success, the type of success every writer dreams of experiencing. To me, it was just another disappointment that I would live with (or not) . . . story of my life. I wasn’t going to be allowed to reap what I sowed. Nothing new with me.

But . . . it was a blessing. Bittersweet, I might add. One of the greatest successes of my career was shared on a day I was told I might not have long to live. God managed to soften that blow. Interesting. Still, I was making my plans. I was going on a trip, a heavenly trip! Whooo, hooo! People on earth could enjoy my book (I’d just finished the second one), so my kids would have that part of me. I’d accomplished all my goals.

Or had I?

As the weeks of chemo went by, thoughts started penetrating my mind . . . .

Who would be able to sing to my kids the way that only their mother could? Who would prance in to Chelsea’s room in the morning (when Mom was feeling like herself and not like MS had her in its
grip), and sing to her and kiss her ALL OVER until she giggled uncontrollably? Who would teach my kids to laugh at life and their mistakes? Who would teach my son that God planned for him to grow bigger than his sisters so he can protect them, and protect those weaker than himself? Who would listen to Whitney talk without end, knowing she would need to be heard, to cover every microscopic detail, because she's a talker like her mother? Who would know to watch Kirsten closely because she's so quiet. And who would know when she got too quiet? Who would know when to reach out to her to find out what's going on and help her through it? Who would teach them the importance of loving God and keeping their faith? Who would tell them what it's like to love God as much as their mother loves Him? Who would love them as deeply as only a mother can? Yes, they have a father to do these things, but there are things only a mother can give.

As I watch my mother-in-law (who is a WONDERFUL woman, by the way; Did you know she came all the way from Holland to help us out? She’s a HUGE blessing!), I realize she can teach my kids some wonderful things, things that I fall short in, but she can’t be to them what I can be, what only a mother can be.

Hmm . . . maybe I am of value?

Then I looked at my husband, he tells me all kinds of things about why he needs me and why he would never want to remarry if he lost me, but it wasn’t until the day he kissed me on my bald head (when he had to help me bathe), that I realized just how much this dear man DOES LOVE ME! That I, despite no longer (in my opinion, because he tells me I’m beautiful all the time) having any outside beauty, could inspire a man to feel such a deep passionate love that he would kiss me on my BALD head . . . all I know is, I broke down in tears when he did that. And he didn’t think twice about kissing me there.

After that, I kept getting more prayers, and GIFTS, TONS of gifts, even from people I didn’t know! My ENTIRE FAMILY got gifts! And I found out my writing and Christian friends were promoting my book in ways that it never would have gotten promoted had I remained healthy (or as healthy as one could be with MS). Honestly, the pouring in of help and gifts has been utterly mindboggling. None of us (including my MIL) has ever seen anything like it. Ever!

Who were these gifts and help really from?

GOD.

God worked through all of you to show me His LOVE, love I so desperately needed to see, to FEEL! Why I don’t feel valuable is another story, one I won't get in to here.

Hubby keeps saying, “God must really love you! Look at everything He’s doing for you during this time!” My MIL (mother-in-law) has stood before us more than once with her mouth hanging open at the outpouring of love surrounding us and TEARS in her eyes. We’ve all shed tears over it!

It was as if God was shouting in my face, “YOU ARE LOVED!!!! YOU ARE VALUED!!!” And He’s continuing to SHOUT! He has put my book in magazines, newsletters, church announcements . . . in more places than I ever imagined it would get noticed. Not only that—SO MANY, a COUNTLESS MANY are PRAYING FOR ME. And so many of these people have never even MET ME! God has swooped in with all his prayer warriors, telling me He loves me.

“SANDI!” I hear God shouting because I tend to be deaf. “You are loved!”

One dear friend recently told me to ask what God thinks of me. Ask Him what he thinks, and listen to his still, soft voice.

He’s flooding me with His answer, bending my trunk over with His mighty wind, tossing His waves over me and pressing against me with such mighty passion, He can’t be ignored. I can no longer believe that I am unworthy.

So, on the day of my fortieth birthday, just before I blew out all those candles, I was surrounded by my giggling kids, my smiling husband, and my happy mother-in-law (this was after spending all night in the ER), and when I saw the joy on their faces to have me home, especially those of my kids and husband . . .

I knew I WANTED TO LIVE.

So, just before I blew out those candles, I made my wish, only it was a prayer to my God, and . . .

For the first time, I really asked Him to please, please LET ME LIVE.

I’m sorry to disappoint or discourage with my feelings of not wanting to be here, but even Paul wanted to be with the Lord when he knew he was still needed on this earth. I also had to be honest with all of you. It's not that I was wanting to commit suicide or anything like that. I simply saw cancer as a way out. It’s been a rough road. I wanted to escape the pain of this world. But God has shown me the blessings, has taught me how to count them, to SEE THEM. He is my TRUE FATHER.

So, now I’m fighting (again, sigh, lol), and it’s only through His strength that I’m able to do it. It’s all up to Him. I now have the WILL, but only He has the POWER. And no matter what happens in the end, whether I live or die (it's God's decision), He WAS, HE IS, and ALWAYS WILL BE my GOD, MY SAVIOR, and my LIVING LORD . . . the God and Master of ALL.

It's interesting. As tired as I was of fighting, I suddenly find . . . I have the STRENGTH.

Dear Father God, forgive me for allowing the world to wear me down. Help me to now focus on YOU, on Your light, on YOUR STRENGTH.

And please dear Lord, I beg You . . . LET ME LIVE.

***You know how I love to share songs. Well, I want to share one sung by some friends of mine. It's a song that really speaks to my heart, and it was written by Veronique Dijkstra-Hofman. Believe it or not, it's called LET ME LIVE, and it's taken from the end of Psalms 119. I really think you'll like it! They were kind enough to put it on YouTube just so I could share it with this post.

Here's the LINK to the song.

And here's the LINK to their site.

You can buy their singles even if you live in the U.S. (1 U.S. dollar = 0.7 Euros)

Prayers for my Medieval Series

2011-02-13T19:37:00.000-08:00

I haven’t told many folks about this, but I decided to share it in the hopes that you’ll send up some prayers. My agent is sending out a proposal for a series of picture books I created that take place in medieval times. They’re called THE VILLAGE TALES.

I just wanted to ask you to pray that a publisher will take these on. It’s something I’ve had in the works for years, but I didn’t pursue it because I wanted to pick my own illustrator (see the Toy Maker's Shop illustration, by my brother-in-law, Reuben Rog: http://rrog.deviantart.com/). Anyway, publishers prefer using their own artists. Now, I’ll be happy to work with whomever they choose. All I know is, this is something I can accomplish. I’m working on Father’s Rock (Book Three in my Iron series), but it’s kind of overwhelming right now, and the publisher is being understanding about what I can and can’t accomplish at the moment. I’m working on it, but it’s good to have these short stories to give me a sense of accomplishment, and it’s something I absolutely love.

Each tale creates a part of a village, and they take place in the shops, the nearby castle, out in the village fields, and on the village streets. I’m full of ideas for this series. The stories are parables where God represents the shopkeepers, the king, or whomever is in charge at the time. I’ve completed six titles with more to come.

Here’s what I have so far:

The Toy Maker’s Shop

The Cobbler's Shop

The Potter's Shop

The Jeweler's Shop

The Lamp Maker's Shop

The Great Snowmaker

Each story ends with a one to two sentence moral like the classic tales of old.

Of course, I know the following costs money, and the publisher will have to see if the first books sell before going to this extreme, but . . . imagine each book in the shape of a shop, castle, village street, or the trees and fields. Visualize the books displayed so they resemble a village. It’s my hope people will want to collect the whole set!

A person can dream, right? :-)

Anyway, please pray that a publisher will want them. I know picture books are hard to sell, but with God, all things are possible. And I really feel like these stories will encourage, not only children, but adults as well.

I Will Praise You in this Storm

2011-02-10T21:15:00.000-08:00

Just need this song, right now.

by CASTING CROWNS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw

Thank You, Lord.

QUESTIONS FOR BOOK CLUBS: THE MASTER'S WALL

2011-02-10T19:28:00.000-08:00

QUESTIONS FOR BOOK CLUBS

THE MASTER’S WALL

By Sandi Rog

NOTE: If you haven't read THE MASTER'S WALL, the following will contain spoilers!

1) What makes young David a hero in the first chapter? What does that say about his character?

When David was taken and enslaved, was there anything that surprised you or worried you during this transition in his life? What do you think will come of little Sarah?

When David and Alethea first meet, what was your favorite part about their first encounter (if you had one)?

2) When children are abused or faced with adult situations, it forces them to grow up faster than they should (sadly, some of us know this from experience). David and Alethea are quite young in this story. How do you think you would have responded to these situations if you were either one of them? What are your impressions of David and Alethea’s responses to what’s happened to them? What reaction(s) touched you the most?

As they become friends, what was your favorite scene displaying their friendship (please warn for spoilers)? Why?

3) Do you think Titus teaching David how to fight is a good thing? How does David hope to use his new skills? What’s David’s greatest weakness? Do you think learning to fight can be a stumbling block to David or a benefit? How?

What are your impressions of David’s relationship with Titus. What do you think Titus wants from David?

SPOILER: Titus has to do things he doesn't want to. Are there examples of silent rebellion to those orders by showing compassion? (Tied Alethea's dad lightly, had David flogged the first time by Lucius.) Are these signs of his possible redemption?

4) When David tries to escape, but changes his mind, how did you feel about that? Do you think he should have stayed or escaped? What would you have done/felt if you were in his situation? Are there any situations in your life now that might evoke similar emotions? How do you think God wishes you to deal with them? Who did David put above himself in his situation?

5) What makes the setting of this book unique to other books in this time period, what makes it similar? What are some similarities you see in ancient Roman culture to our culture today? What are some of the differences of ancient Roman culture compared to our culture today?

6) When David teaches Alethea how to pray, what touches you the most about Alethea’s private prayer? Is there anything we can learn from Alethea’s prayer life?

David and Alethea often meet in secret in the woods. What was your favorite meeting? Why? How did it touch you? (Leave a warning for spoilers.)

Sometimes Alethea’s impressions of Christianity and God are shocking. What took you the most by surprise? (Again, leave warning for spoilers.)

7) SPOILER: How did God use Alethea’s betrayal and David’s banishment for good in the story?

Hint: What did David do for the Lord while serving in the vineyards? What did Alethea’s lie make her realize about herself?

Are there similar situations in your own life where you can see God using a bad situation for good?

8) How does Alethea's name play a pivotal role in the book? Explore the irony.

David struggles to forgive Alethea. Why? Have you ever faced a similar struggle?

9) When Alethea tells David she believes in his God but is not a Christian, what were your thoughts? What did you think of David’s response? What verse was David referring to? Based on this verse, do you think it’s possible to believe in God but not be saved?

In Matthew 7:15-29, it talks about how people will cast out demons and perform miracles in Jesus’ name, and in the end, Jesus will say to them, He never knew them. Just below that, we read the old familiar verses about building our house on the rock.

After reading to the end of Matthew 7, go back up to verses 15-20 where it talks about knowing others by their “fruits.” I always thought “fruits” were “good works,” but right after verse 20, it talks about amazing GOOD works for the Lord, and yet Jesus says he won’t know them, and even accuses them of practicing lawlessness! It baffled me for many years.

Then I read further down. Based on verses 24 and 26 we must “act” on Jesus’ words. My understanding of “acting on Jesus’ words” is “obedience.” Apparently, we can still be performing “good works” for Jesus but still be acting in disobedience. John 15 wraps everything up in a perfect package, explaining it ALL, and Jesus makes it very clear in verse 10. Therefore our “fruits” are our “obedience,” and NOT our “good works.” Of course, “good works” will naturally come with acting obediently.

Now for my QUESTION: Alethea believed, but what more did she need in her life?

Key verses for answers: 24 and 26 in Matt. 7 contrast these two thoughts, and John 15:10 (not to mention Christ’s repetition of this in John 14:15,21,23-24, and Christ’s own example to us in verse 31).

In the end, what did Alethea do to demonstrate her obedience?

10) Some characters in the story allude to other characters or events. Who do you think David represents? Why? How does this touch you? Who do you think Alethea represents? Why? How does this touch you?

11) What motivates Aloysius and Demetri? How does that affect their decisions and actions? (greed, power, control, property = abuse of those who stand in their way)

Being twisted inside by jealousy, Demetri learns Alethea intends to marry someone named David, and years later still burns with internal rage over that information, to the point of arranging to have David publicly killed to celebrate his wedding to Alethea. How does jealousy warp logical decision-making?

12) Demetri displays good and bad behavior for a villain. At times he gives the impression that he cares for Alethea, sparing her of her grandfather’s abuse. Do you think all “bad people” are “ALL bad” or do some have redeemable qualities? Did you see any “bad” in the main characters? If so, what? Do you think if you were in their shoes/sandals, you would have made the same mistakes? What can we learn from their mistakes? What can this teach us about the “villains” in our own lives? Do you think it would have helped if David and Alethea had prayed for Demetri? What should they have prayed for specifically?

13) David sees himself as a slave and is treated by the world like one, when all along he's really an adopted son. Have you ever not lived according to the truth of who you are?

14) What was your favorite scene or “moment” in the story? What was your emotional response to that scene? What makes this your favorite?

The opening verse in the book quotes Jesus as saying, He came to bring a sword. What was the sword in THE MASTER’S WALL?

Is that sword of persecution present today? In what ways? Family, politics?

15) There are several verses quoted throughout THE MASTER’S WALL. Did any stand out to you, touch you? Can you name a few?

Update: Donors

2011-02-03T22:48:00.000-08:00

Sorry it's been a while since I've posted. Just too tired to write anything. But I've been doing well the last three days, so that's good!

I don't know how many of you know this, but my lovely sister, Kelli, moved out here from California to be here for me. She's my "little sister" (four years younger). That's her on the right. Isn't she pretty? Anyway, she's terrified of needles and doctors, but she submitted herself to allowing the doc to draw TWELVE viles of blood so he could test her to see if she would be a match for me.

You see, at the end of this whole chemo run, I'll have to undergo a bone marrow transplant. Well, that means I need a donor. But, after watching her undergo the blood-draw, I said, "There's no way you're gonna be able to do this!" and the nurses agreed! LOL Anyway, not long after that, I started having nightmares about her having a heart attack if she were a match, sigh! She said she'd do it no matter what. She felt it was the least she could do if it meant saving my life. And she would have, but it turns out . . .

she isn't a match.

Thank you for trying, Kelli Belly. xxx

When I learned that Kelli wasn't a match, I was then told that they had actually found THREE people in the world who DO match me a full ten out of ten!

These three donors have already come forward to have their blood tested, and the docs say they'll most likely follow through with the donation because when they go that far, they usually go all the way. These are all young, healthy men (21, 26 and 26). Two are from Europe and the youngest one is from the US. I asked if it would cause "problems" getting bone marrow from a man since I'm a woman (don't want any hair growing where it doesn't belong; although, I don't think I can complain about having too much hair right now). The doc said a male donor was actually better then a female donor. Apparently, if a woman just happened to be pregnant (even for a few weeks and lost the baby), it can cause problems because they had another human being inside of them. Interesting, huh?

All I know is when I found out that they found THREE donors, I wept for thirty minutes nonstop. I didn't realize how much I was stressed about this. I just bawled like a baby, thanking God for such GOOD NEWS (Lord knows, I needed it!), and full of relief that there are people out there who are generous enough to do this for someone, for a perfect stranger! I never knew people like this existed. It touches me deeply and makes me want to cry all over again.

Thank You God! Thank You for these people! xxx

More Warm Surprises

2011-01-25T09:29:00.000-08:00

I've been wanting to put this up for a long time now, ever since I was discharged from the hospital during my last visit. I've been trying to get a picture up with no luck; hence, the delay. So, I gave up on the picture. I'm just sorry you all won't be able to see it. I got a new computer (my family got together and pitched in to get me a new laptop for my 40th!), but I haven't figured out how to put pictures on it yet. I can get pictures from the Internet, just not my personal pictures. sigh

Anyway, all that to say, when I got out of the hospital last week, I came home to a LOVELY afghan made by several of my writing friends. Each square was made by an individual (from different States!), and then pieced together by one person. I'd name everyone who was involved in making this afghan, but some of the cards fell off (they each left a card with their name on the square they made; I didn't want to take them off because I enjoyed seeing the names of the people who did this for me), and I'm afraid I might forget someone. All I know is, I was deeply touched and really, words are so lame when expressing one's appreciation for such a beautiful, thoughtful, generous gift!

Just think of all the time each of those ladies put into making each square, and then the time it took to piece them all together . . . all for me! It really makes a person feel loved. And after this last stay in the hospital, I was fighting depression and asking God to just let me know that He was there for me. Well, it's amazing how God reveals Himself and His love through these giving individuals.

Thank you, ladies! Thank you for the blessing you are to me. xxx

I go into the hospital today for a week, so I probably won't be able to post or comment. Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't. We'll see!

More chemo, here I come.

***

HERE'S A PICTURE OF THE AFGHAN! I'm in the hospital, and normally I can't access my blog or leave comments, but for some reason, it's letting me right now. Yeah! See the lovely afghan below. Thank you, Rachel! xxx All those little cards on it have the names of each individual person who made that square! :-)

Discouraged

2011-01-21T21:45:00.000-08:00

My pupils are different sizes. I finally figured out it's the MS! My vision is blurred in the eye where the pupil is enlarged. Here's a link where you can read more about it: http://ms.about.com/od/signssymptoms/f/ms_apd.htm.

I go in on Tuesday for more chemo. My oncologist really needs to work together with my neurologist. I mean, how can they treat both cancer and MS?! ARG!

Also, my dizziness is increasing because of the lovely intestinal infection I have that was caused by all the antibiotics I've been on (the vertigo is also the MS, grrrr), and the expensive drugs I got for it aren't working. I'm actually getting worse. sigh

I can also feel my tumor "doing something." I only felt these twinges when it was growing, so I'm a little nervous about this. While it was shrinking, I felt nothing.

And lastly, my book is up for discussion on the ACFW Book Club loop, but it's awfully quiet over there. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/acfwbookclub/

Just trying not to worry . . . sigh.

Dear God, I praise You because You were, You are, and You always will be. You are my Father, and You are sovereign. You reign over me and those who are treating me. I commit myself into Your hands. Thank You that I may be Your daughter. Please hold me close and take away my fear.

In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Praise God!!!

2011-01-18T22:14:00.000-08:00

Good news! I went to the hospital today to have my blood drawn. You see, for weeks now, my blood counts haven't been coming up like they should. The doctor started getting worried (and so did I), because it meant I might have a blood disease (umm . . . I reminded them I have MS, that's a disease, e-hem! I should clarify, it was actually the nurse practitioner who said this and not the actual doc because my doc already said it was my MS that was slowing everything down), and who knows what else. Anyway, I went in today, and my counts are where they should be! Yeah!!! I was so grateful to God, I told my hubby that when we got in the car we should thank Him. I mean, how often do I go to the throne of God and simply "thank Him?" Really? I know I go to His throne constantly to ASK for things. But I rarely go to just THANK Him for what He's blessed me with. sigh Anyway, so that's what we did.

This also got me to thinking about when I say the words, "Praise God." You know, I usually only say those words when I'm happy about something. Like . . . my blood counts being up! :-) But do you remember Job? He praised God when he lost his ENTIRE FAMILY! If one of your children died, would you be able to drop to your knees and worship the Lord, praising Him? Hmm. I hate to say, I'm not sure I'd be able to do that. I wonder if I'd be able to do it when I'm lying sick in bed wondering if I'm going to see the next morning. I've had A LOT of those days lately. Maybe it's time I attempted it.

Last summer my computer crashed. I thought I'd lost everything: all my books, my pictures, my videos . . . EVERYTHING! Well, I took it to the store and the computer fixer-upper guy said he recovered ALL my files! I was so thrilled that as I drove home, I was praising God. Then I thought, "God, would I praise you if things weren't going well? I should be able to do that." Well, when I got home, I checked for all my files, and all my book files were missing. He retrieved everything else, but not the books I spent hours, months and years of blood, sweat and tears writing! So . . . on the way back to the store (it was about to close, aaaack!), I recalled my earlier conversation. Could I praise God even during this time when it was possible I lost all my hard work? Well, I said the words aloud. I must say, they didn't come out as easily as when I was on my way home thinking I had everything. But I said it again, and then again, until I FELT it. That helped.

When I got to the store, my computer was packed up in a box, ready to be shipped off to the manufacturer, but the computer fixer-upper guy dug it out, and guess what! He retrieved ALL my story files. I got EVERYTHING back! Whew! Thank you, God. And . . . praise You!

He is God. As you know, I like to say: He was, He is, and He always will be.

Let's praise the Lord, even in our adversity!

PRAISE GOD! PRAISE YOU, FATHER. YOU ARE MY ALL IN ALL.

I'll let you all know if I can manage this when I'm on my sick bed wondering if I'm going to make it through the night, when I'm afraid my children are going to be left without a mother, when . . . you get the picture. I'm asking God to remind me to praise Him when that time comes. sigh I think I'll pray that that time DOESN'T come. It's so miserable! But . . . IF it does . . . I will praise Him. Again, the Lord may have to remind me, e-hem, so I'll ask Him to do that! He's good at that, I noticed. He seems to prioritize spiritual matters. And I'm pretty forgetful, sigh. It's just sad when I have to ask Him to remind me to praise Him, or pray to Him. Yes, I ask Him for prayer reminders too. I don't know why, but despite prayer being the most powerful tool, I tend to use it as a last resort! So, I ask God to REMIND me to pray. And well . . . He does! So, I know He'll remind me to praise Him too. Poor Guy. He shouldn't have to send out reminders all the time! It's like a husband asking his wife to remind him to tell her he loves her! I'm pathetic. sigh

There's just something about praising God, especially during those difficult times. Right after the ground drops from under your feet, praising God puts the foundation back in place and you have something . . . Someone . . . to stand on. That's what praising God does. It's amazing really.

I love You, Lord. xxx

Loving Truth

2011-01-17T11:04:00.000-08:00

I wrote the following in the hospital and it wouldn't let me post, so I'm posting it now. This is a subject that's been on my mind a lot lately.

I’ve had numerous talks with my children about the importance of telling the truth. How it’s much better to tell the truth and be honest about a situation even when it’s difficult. Even if it means getting punished. The punishment is temporary, but if they don’t stop lying, the lies could build up on top of each other, and the next thing they know, the lies cause them to lose friends, and ultimately, family in their adult years. I’ve explained that if they don’t learn to tell their parents the truth, they won’t learn to tell their teachers the truth, and then they won’t be honest with their boss, and ultimately they likely won’t be honest with God. I use this theory with “obedience” a lot. If they don’t learn to obey us, they won’t learn to obey those in authority, and with God as the ultimate authority, they won’t even obey Him.

I’ve explained to them that a person who doesn’t love truth can get so wrapped up in their own lies, that even they themselves begin to believe them! And it’s my understanding that God allows it to happen. In 2 Thessalonians 2: 10b, 11 and12 it emphasizes the importance of our love for truth, and if we don’t “love it,” God will send a deluding influence over us to believe a lie.

2 Thessalonians 10b-12 says (emphasis mine), “They perish because they refused to LOVE THE TRUTH and so be saved. For this reason God sends them a powerful delusion so that they will believe the lie and so that all will be condemned who have not believed the truth but have delighted in wickedness.”

There was a time I was arguing with my husband, and we were both so adamant about our own stance that the argument turned into a near fight (not physical, just words). I don’t even remember what we were arguing about, but I remember the emotion. I couldn’t “see” his side, and I was so angry that he wasn’t “seeing mine.” In that moment, I prayed and asked God for help. That’s all I said, “Help.” Not long after that, I stopped and listened, and finally “heard” my husband, and I realized (was stunned, shocked, and dismayed to realize) that my husband was right, and I was wrong! Dare I continue to hold my ground, push my position just so I could be right and come out the victor? I couldn’t do that because while my husband might not know I realized the truth, God would. And what good would it do anyway? All it would do is create contention in my marriage. Why do that? So, I stopped arguing and choked out the words, “You’re right. I didn’t see it that way, and well . . . you’re right.” It was NOT easy to admit the truth. Again, I don’t recall the subject matter, but boy do I recall my feelings, and I did not “feel like” admitting the truth! What’s funny is, when I admitted to the truth, it totally took him by surprise, not to mention the wind out of his furious sails. At first, he didn’t even know how to react! LOL

Did you know lying is on God’s “hate list?” Twice! Can you believe, our kind, loving Father has a hate list? I couldn’t believe it when I first discovered it. And notice the wording here. It doesn’t say He hates people who lie, but instead, He hates a lying tongue. Notice how he separates the person from the behavior?

Proverbs 6:16-19 says (again, emphasis is mine), “There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a LYING TONGUE, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush to evil, a false witness who pours out LIES, and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.”

Who would have thought God hated lying so much? I know I get tempted to lie to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. You know, “little white lies.” But even those are detestable to our Lord. I remember doing that when we were first in Holland. The Dutch are very blunt, and the woman asked me out right, “Are you just saying that to spare my feelings? Because you don’t have to do that, you know. I just want the truth.” Wow. That really made me rethink those “little white lies.”

What if someone wants you to lie on their behalf? This can happen in all sorts of situations. Allow me to share one of mine. I was eighteen when my grandfather died. My dad didn’t get along with Grandpa’s wife (she wasn’t very nice, so few really “got along” with her). At the house after the funeral, my dad was arguing vehemently with Grandpa’s widow. They were both in the kitchen, and their voices carried into the living room. I was shocked that they were going at each other right after the funeral. Next thing I knew, Dad called me into the kitchen, so I set down my cup and shuffled into the eye of the storm. Gulp. I don’t remember what they were arguing about, but Dad asked me to answer a question. All eyes were on me: Dad’s, Grandpa’s widow, and the others who were standing in the kitchen trying to put out the “fires.” Well, the truth ended up not supporting Dad’s argument. I told the truth anyway, and peace settled over the house. No more arguing, no more fighting. It had come to an end and we could all go about our business of saying "goodbye" to Grandpa.

On the way home in the car I got a verbal thrashing. How dare I not support my own father, and it’s my duty as a daughter to support him before others, etc. I said, “But it wasn’t the truth!” And suddenly, that didn’t matter, not to him, anyway. Despite his fury, I knew I’d done the right thing because all that mattered was that I was pleasing to God, and I knew God wanted the truth. What I didn’t know, and I wish I had, was the story of Ananias and Sapphira in Acts 5. They claimed to have sold all their land and gave it to the church. I don’t know what Sapphira’s motives were, if lying to begin with was even her idea, but she chose to support her husband in a lie, instead of telling the truth when she was questioned by the apostles. Because of that, she died on the spot. So . . . even in circumstances when your own father, spouse, best friend, or relative wants you to lie for them, it’s not a good idea if you want to be pleasing to the Lord.

It’s not always easy to admit the truth. Painful even, especially if you know you might hurt someone else or yourself, but God expects it of us. I’d so much rather know the truth, no matter how painful, than be told a lie.

Socialized Medicine

2011-01-16T17:29:00.000-08:00

If you don't want to read a venting session, then skip this post.

I've been sent home from the hospital with a bacterial infection in my intestines (caused by all the antibiotics they've got me on), and my blood counts are too low for them to start chemo. Doc says I tend to have a slow recovery from the chemo treatments, likely because of the MS. Speaking of, when I got this lovely infection, my MS flared up (it's normal for it to "come to life" when I get an infection of some kind), so I've been suffering from vertigo. It's just plain been awful!

Anyway, now that I have an infection, we had to buy some meds for it. GUESS how much the meds are for two weeks worth?! 1500 DOLLARS!!! My husband nearly fell over when they told him the price as we were buying it at Walgreens. The guy behind the register then said we could come back another time or forego buying the stuff. My husband's response: My wife's life depends on it, so I have no choice but to get it.

And this is America! Land of the FREE! Sorry to be sarcastic, but after living in Holland for thirteen years, I can tell you in a land with socialized medicine this NEVER would have happened. I miss being able to AFFORD treatments, not having to worry about costs of going in to the ER (something else we had to do last week), I miss being able to afford dental work, surgeries, and not having to worry AT ALL about COSTS when it came to anything health related. Yes, we had to pay, but nothing exorbitant like the other day--and that was just for the meds! We expected those kinds of costs from the hospital (that could be paid off in increments), but not from meds!

You know, people are worried about socialized medicine because it may mean they'll have to wait months to get treated. Well, I know of a man who's suffering from paralyzation in his arms and legs and has no idea what's wrong with him. GUESS how long he has to wait here in America to see a specialist about what's "ailing" him? They squeezed him in for March! He's been sick since last summer! Well, that would also NEVER happen in Holland. My son had a lump in his neck, and the docs got him in the very next day! He was fine thank goodness, but my point is, they were prompt. In fact, I was surprised at how prompt because I was so used to the slowness out here. Honestly, even the waiting room time in Holland is significantly shorter.

I know, I know. You're probably thinking, then go back to Holland. sigh Well, when it comes to medical mess, I would if I could because this country really stinks where that's concerned. It's not about the patient here. It's about how much money can be made. It's frightening, really.

Throughout this entire treatment, I've often wondered what in the world people do without insurance?! We're blessed in that we're insured! All I know is, as I go along with this treatment, this isn't the first drug company I've seen taking advantage of sick people.

Americans think they have it "so good." Guys. This is a wakeup call. After living in another country for thirteen years and moving back here, I was SHOCKED by what I came home to. I've never seen so many sick people in my entire life (and this is BEFORE I got sick)! Out of all the years in Holland, I never saw ONE person carrying around an oxygen tank. Here, I've seen so many, I can't count them. There are even commercials here selling bags to carry them! In Holland, I've never seen one commercial about the best drug to take (along with a slew of all the horrendous side-affects). And the most shocking thing of all after returning to the States was the food. Ask a European, ANY European, if they like the food here, and see what kind of answer you get.

The food in America is what I'm thinking may be killing us. The veggies are tasteless! The tomatoes here are NOT RED. I know you think they are, but they're really not! I've seen a red tomato. I've eaten red tomatoes, and they taste TEN TIMES BETTER than anything I've had out here. The food here tastes like plastic. Milk I grew up on, cheese I grew up on, veggies and fruits I grew up on (things I enjoyed as a kid), were suddenly the worst things I'd ever tasted! I've been spoiled in Europe. Spoiled with healthy vegetables, healthy fruits (you won't believe how much more flavor there is out there in just those things!), that our family still isn't satisfied with anything we can find out here. We saw fish for sale at the grocery-store. One was dyed red, yes DYED, while the more expensive and wild caught fish was naturally red. They don't have to dye their food in Europe to get it to sell. Really, that should be illegal. If that became illegal, I'm wondering just how "good" any of the food would look. E-hem!

Back to healthcare. If America wants to follow a pattern that works for socialized medicine, I suggest they follow Holland (at least the way they had it four years ago when we were still there). I wouldn't follow Great Britain. I've heard of the hospitals there, and my great aunt who stays in a nursing home in Holland (she's Scottish) doesn't even want to go back there because the care in Holland is so much better. She would rather stay in a country where she doesn't speak the language because the care is BETTER than go back home to her homeland where the care isn't nearly as good! Both places have socialized medicine. Clearly, one country is doing it "right." Just because you put a label on it and call it socialized medicine, does not mean everything is going to be better. They need to look at countries who have succeeded at it.

My best friend who lives in France had her mother get her dental work done while visiting France because it was TEN TIMES cheaper. It's sad when we as Americans have to fly out to other countries to get "fixed" because we can't afford it in our own country! I'm not saying this to complain. I'm saying this to inform. When this is all you know, then how can you know there's a better way? I've LIVED the better way for thirteen years. And I'm sad to say, it's not in America.

No, this is how it is in America. Truly! I've experienced it! We often don't bother going to the doctor because we know he'll just issue us some drug, rather than attempt to get down the the nitty gritty to find out what's really wrong. And this has been experienced not just with our doc (in fact, he tends to do more searching), but numerous other docs we end up with when our doc doesn't have room in his schedule. They're so quick to issue a drug than to really figure out what's wrong. In Holland, their last resort is passing out drugs. I often feel like we're into legalized drug-dealing here in America. sigh

Anyway, enough venting. I'm just so frustrated with everything right now. Thanks for listening.

Warm Surprises!

2010-12-30T16:00:00.000-08:00

You know, I've been showered with so many blessings in the past two months, that I have to say, it's impossible to keep up! I want to send "thank you" notes to everyone, and I'm realizing I'm in over my head. Please know, I am grateful to all of you!

I was able to be home for Christmas, and it's this smile and my little girl making love to her M&M candy cane that makes it all worth it. That's my little Chelsea who's three. I don't usually post pictures of my kids on here, just to keep some privacy, but I couldn't resist this one. Isn't she cute? tee hee! Definitely worth coming home too!

Okay, now my oldest (SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD), is hurt that I didn't include the rest of the "varmints." So . . . here's a "cute" picture of the others. ALSO worth coming home to! (Happy now, Whitney?)

Say "hello" to Kirsten on the left and Whitney on the right. Aren't they CUTE?

And this is my Aaron. Yes, the ONLY BOY. Poor thing. But, as you can see, he had a GREAT Christmas this year.

Thought it might be nice for all of you to see "who" you've been praying for. xxx

Moving on . . . .

Another blessing came in the form of a quilt. I got to take it with me during my last stay in the hospital. But this isn't just "any" quilt. It's a quilt with my book on it! And it's signed by my writing friends who are praying for me. Several of them wrote scriptures on it, prayers, and encouraging words.

I was literally wrapped up in prayer, scriptures and love!

Allow me to share what happened with this quilt while I was in the hospital undergoing my last round of chemo. I emailed the following letter from the hospital to the ladies who made it:

Last night was rough. I’m in the hospital, and they just hooked me up to a two-hour infusion of chemo, and after that would follow the 22 hour infusion of chemo (which I’m still on now). After my husband left (he so wanted to stay the night but couldn’t), I just bawled. I didn’t tell my hubby because then he would have stayed and that wouldn’t have been good. He’s missed too much work as it is. So, I talked to God and asked Him to please sit with me because I felt so alone. I asked Him to listen and FEEL the infusion with me as it was poisoning my body, to hold me close in His arms throughout the night. During all this, I wrapped myself up in the quilt you all gave me and started reading the verses you put on there.

What a blessing!

I came across Cecily’s verse taken from Isaiah 43:1-3 and the last in 5a “Do not fear, for I am with you.”

I’m crying as I write this. I can’t tell you how much I needed that last night! I just can’t tell you . . . and now I can’t type from crying.

Just know, I love you all so much. Thank you for loving me too.

So . . . it was a wonderful Christmas being surrounded by loved ones and all the blessings that come with family and friends.

I'm doing well after this chemo run. For some reason, this one didn't hit me as hard as the last round. I expect to crash, perhaps next week, but we'll see. Right now, I'm strong, so I'm enjoying it while I can.

Love and hugs to everyone, and have a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

THE MASTER'S WALL on the SHELF at Loveland's B&N

2010-12-19T22:34:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Candee Fick, I have this lovely picture of my book on the shelf at the B&N in Loveland! And just look who my book is keeping company with! Francine Rivers' Lineage of Grace! How cool is that?! LOL

I just thought I'd share this good news before I let ya'll know I'll be going into the hospital on Monday for another five days of chemo. Assuming all goes well, I'll be able to go home on Christmas eve. Pray that'll happen. I want to watch my kids open their presents!

In the meantime, MERRY CHRISTMAS to all of you! I pray you'll have a wonderful celebration with family and friends. This is a picture of a Christmas market. Reminds me of the Christmases in Europe. Miss those German Christmas markets. They were so "cozy."

There's another special something I want to share. I'd share it now, only problem is, it's not on my camera or computer yet! When that happens, I'll let you in on the "warm" surprise I got this week.

You'll hear from me sometime after Christmas.

Hugs to all of you!

TAKE MY HAIR, NOT MY FRIEND

2010-12-13T13:00:00.000-08:00

By Wendy Chorot

Nothing could have prepared me for the gut-twisting pain of discovering my best friend was diagnosed with stage 4 T-cell lymphoma. I have never experienced such raw, hyperventilating terror as the realization of what she will endure sank into my heart. Brain tumor, chemo, radiation, baldness, bone marrow transplant—these are not the things I want for my friend. And they do not sound like plans to prosper and not harm.

I am grieving a loss, though my friend is very much alive and fighting this battle with courage and godly strength. I am grieving the loss of what used to be, the loss of what will never be again. Just recognizing the various stages of grief in myself angered me. I suddenly hated the idea of putting scientific labels to the things I was feeling. I wanted to change the stages of grief from denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance to stomping, screaming, seething, shock, and suffering.

I have hated the sun for shining when I’m hurting so much. As part of the stomping stage of grief, I’ve asked God why it’s not possible to divvy up the treatments among family and friends so that one fragile little body doesn’t have to endure it all alone. God keeps reminding me that she’s not alone. And He loves her more than I do.

After the cancer tornado ripped through my heart, I stood in the midst of destruction and combed through the debris, realizing that cancer could not create a loss of what mattered most—our relationship. Cancer can not take away the friendship we’ve worked so hard to build and maintain.

And that’s when I realized that cancer will never win. It prowls around like a roaring lion, but its reign of terror is limited. My friend will be healed. Whether or not her healing takes place on this side of heaven, that’s up to God, but cancer will not win.

Some may think the decision to shave my head was a hard one. They would be wrong. I have felt “bald” in my heart since my friend’s diagnosis more than a month ago. Before the chemo took her hair. Shaving my head just brought the physical baldness together with the emotional baldness. Take my hair, it means nothing to me. But my friend? She and I need to grow old together. We need to sit in our rockers and laugh about the time long ago that we were bald together. Yeah, take my hair, but my friend, I need to hold in my arms a little longer.

Thanks Nick The Barber (American missionary serving in France).

He was, He is, He always will be

2010-12-06T15:08:00.000-08:00

I have to say that (what's in the subject line) because only God is certain, only God is stable, only God is unmoving. And I need that right now. I may sound repetitious because I mentioned this in my post below, but it's a mantra I've been chanting quite often this last week. I've been so sick. They said this round of chemo would be "light." HA! What a joke! The "harsh" chemo was the one that was "light." I went home last Thursday, and only now (Monday) do I have even a little bit of energy to write this post.

This picture depicts perfectly how I feel. I realize the boy is holding the hammer that pierced Jesus, but just the look of him is exactly how I feel.

It got so bad on Saturday, they had me come into the hospital to check my blood. So, instead of my hubby hanging up Christmas lights on the house with the kids, he and I were left sitting in a waiting room for four hours, only to learn later that the nurse went home and forgot about me! After hunting them down, another nurse came (clearly embarrassed), said my blood levels were fine, and I was just short on potassium, so she gave me two horse pills. Needless to say, I was so UPSET on top of feeling miserable! I wanted Saturday to be a nice day for my kids, and this ruined it. But after talking to my mom, she reminded me it's not going to do any good to get upset. So . . . we cancelled some things on Sunday and Karsten (my hubby) hung lights on the house with the kids and decorated the porch, and I'm happy.

As miserable as I feel, I can understand why patients get nasty. I could have gotten nasty on Saturday. I certainly felt like it. But I reigned it all in and slapped a smile on my face, not wanting to be difficult. But I'm still angry. I can understand that nursing is just a job, where you punch in your hours on the time-clock and go home. But when you're a nurse, helping dying, sick people, how can you afford to be careless? How can you forget someone who's suffering? Why can't we take this type of job as seriously as if they were in the army? I mean, think about all the protocol that has to be met before one can move forward to the next "project." Think of how perfectly a bed has to be made, how perfectly the shoes have to be polished, how perfectly pressed the uniform has to be. Boy, if it's not perfect, there's trouble. Why can't a nurse have a check-list that they have to run through to make sure they saw all the patients they were supposed to see before they LEAVE the building? And this was the head nurse, the one in charge, the "big boss" so to speak! Whatever you call them. I'm not familiar with the terminology.

I understand nurses are busy, and probably even short-staffed. Who knows. But if you're going to have this type of a job, please take it seriously. Please don't forget us sick people who would much rather be home (like you) spending quality time with their family.

One nurse came in to my room the other day last week (these are all young girls, early to late twenties): she had been wondering when she was gonna get her lunch break. It was going on 2 pm. Well, I don't blame her! By the time she did take her lunch, she pranced into my room later, saying, "I can't believe my life." Apparently, she had to cut into her lunch break to help a patient who was having an emergency. I asked her, "Oh, is he all right?" She stopped and hesitated, then proceeded to tell me that the patient was doing a little better now. sigh

Hmm, missing lunch over feeling like you just might literally DIE, which is worse? Forgive the sarcasm. I hold nothing against this sweet nurse. She was wonderful. I just feel like something is "wrong" or "off" about all this. Please don't misunderstand. I know I'm at the best hospital there is for treating this type of cancer. I'm just sad that we can't do a better job at these things.

Anyway, I hope to post something more pleasant in the upcoming days. All I know is right now, I can't seem to get on top of this latest chemo trip. My sis keeps telling me about Medicinal Marjowana (see, I don't even know how to spell the word. This is so NOT ME). I used to roll my eyes. But now I'm wondering if it might be worth looking in to. All I can wonder is how long I'm going to have to feel so miserable.

I know, I know. One day at a time. One day at a time.

It gives me hope to talk to other cancer survivors who are living normal lives. Makes me believe my life will one day be normal.

In God's Hands

2010-11-28T18:19:00.000-08:00

I go in for another round of chemo treatments this Monday (tomorrow). I'll be in the hospital for five days. For some reason, the hospital blocks off some sites, like MY BLOG!

"How RUDE! I've never been so INSULTED in all my life!"

So . . . that's why I'm writing to you all now. If I don't reply to your comments, it's because I can't. I might still be able to read them, but we'll see!

I've had a number of people share survival stories with me. It's been very encouraging. And it made me realize, I'm not terribly afraid. Sure, I go in with a bit of angst in my heart for what I'll suffer while in the flesh, but nothing terrifying. I think it's because I KNOW I'm in God's hands. I'm trusting in that. He's my Protector, my Savior and my LOVE. He died for me, so why wouldn't He be with me during this time?

God is the One Who has numbered my days on this earth. I belong to Him. He's in control, not me, and not anyone else. He'll use those around me to either prolong my life or to end it. It's HIS CHOICE.

So . . . what better Hands could I be in?

Here's a song that really speaks to me these days. I'd like to share it with all of you. Click on the image below:

What's funny is, I discovered this song just a few weeks before my diagnosis, and I played it over and over again! It's brought me such comfort. Simply because HE IS, HE WAS, AND HE ALWAYS WILL BE, and I AM HIS!!!

I love You, God!!! xxx

What a day . . .

2010-11-26T16:11:00.000-08:00

I shaved my head. I cried while we did it, but it's good to finally have it done and over with. Clumps of hair were falling out, so it was time. I should take a picture of myself in my wig! Here it is:

Here's a funny: My ten-year-old son was begging me to see my bald head all day. When I finally got ready to show it to him, he said, "Finally." lol Such a "boy!" And his reaction: "Weird!" *shaking head* I was worried about my three-year-old, Chelsea. I was afraid it might scare her. She walked into the room when I was showing my husband (after he got home from work), and she looked at me with a quirked eyebrow and said, "Mommy," in a tone that said, "What'd you go and do?" Then, Daddy picked her up and held her up to me. She just got a new batch of stickers from my boss's Sunday school class and held them up to my face saying, "I got new stickers!" Then she proceeded to stick one on my head! LOL That was her only reaction to my bald head. For her, life is normal and just fine. I'm so glad she wasn't scared!

AND THE GOOD NEWS is my aunt hosted my book signing at Mardel's today. I couldn't go because I'm not allowed (doctor's orders) to be around a lot of people for fear I might get sick. Well, my aunt sold ALL 30 OF MY BOOKS!!! I PRAYED for this! Thank You, God! xxx

God has great timing, don't ya think? :-) Thank you to all those who bought it, and THANK YOU AUNT DEBBIE for hosting it for me!!! xxx Debbie is the one in the dark sweater and blue-green scarf. Isn't she cute?! She's the best!!

P.S. Don't forget the post below. I need your help coming up with questions for my book discussion in January!

I need your help!

2010-11-25T18:32:00.000-08:00

Did you all know, my book THE MASTER'S WALL won the January 2011 ACFW Book Club pick? This means if you're a member of the ACFW Book Club, they will be discussing my book at the end of January. This is HUGE, and I'm so excited to be a part of this, and I hope to see all of you there!

Now, I need your help.

They gave me the opportunity to come up with my own questions for the group to discuss, and I need folks to help me do that. I feel completely empty of ideas, so I thought it'd be good to ask those who've read THE MASTER'S WALL to tell me what you think would make great discussion questions.

So, if you have some ideas, please leave them in the comments section. Remember, I need TEN!

Thanks in advance for your help!

Why I use YAHSHUA and not YESHUA

2010-11-24T15:29:00.000-08:00

In THE MASTER'S WALL and in YAHSHUA'S BRIDGE, you'll notice that the Hebrew name of Jesus I use is Yahshua and not the more popular term Yeshua. Some of you may wonder why. Well, the biggest reason is because I prefer to be as accurate as possible in my writing, and as unpopular as the term "Yahshua" is, it IS THE MOST ACCURATE to the original Hebrew language.

Please allow me to quote from Dr. Lee Warren, B.A., D.D.

How Did the Name Jesus Originate?

By Dr. Lee Warren, B.A., D.D. Edited by Dr. Michelle Huff

Feel free to copy and circulate this article for non-commercial purposes provided the Web site and author are mentioned.

See Related Articles in The True Names of the Creator and His Son

Introduction

Over the last ten years that the Power Latent In Man SHOW has been on cable, we have done 12 shows on various aspects of the Sacred and Holy Name of our Heavenly Father and His Son. The Power Latent In Man SHOW was one of the first shows (beginning in December 1990, on Chicago Access cable) to introduce the true and sacred name Yahweh and His Son Yahshua and uses them on a regular basis. The PLIM REPORT has also published over 6 articles on the true name and they are on the public side of our website. See http://www.plim.org/truename.html.

Today many Christians and others assume that the Greek name Jesus was the original name of the Savior who was Hebrew. If one does the research, one finds out that it is impossible for the Savior’s name to be Jesus.

What is the intent of this article?

The intent of this article is to investigate the origin of the Greek name Jesus and its erroneous transliteration of the Hebrew name of our Savior Yahshua. Our Saviour’s Name in Hebrew is

(read from right to left). The English name “Jesus,” which later employed the letter “J,” is a derivation from Greek “Iesous” and the Latin “Iesus” version.

This name “Jesus” commonly used in Christianity today did not exist and would not be spelled with the letter “J” until about 500 years ago. This article will also discuss the grammatical errors involved in the transliteration of Yahshua into Greek and Latin, which radically changed the form of Yahshua’s name.

Another error that will be discussed in this article is that “Yahshua’s name was not known to most translators at the time. Jewish Masoretic priests, around the 6th century A.D., created the name Jesus by changing the vowel point from the letter “a” to “e” in the Tetragrammaton YHWH. This resulted in changing the pronunciation from Yah to Yeh.

The priests continued the tradition, which was in effect at the time of the Messiah, of teaching the people that the name “Yahweh” was too sacred to pronounce, and to speak this name was blasphemy and punishable by death. Most people and lower level priests were initially taught to say “Adonai” when they saw the name “Yahweh” or the tetragrammaton written.

PLIM recommends a number of excellent websites that provide extensive research on the name. (Note: This is not an endorsement of their dogma.) The Assembly of Yahweh has an excellent article that deals with the letter J called “THE MISSING J” http://www.yaim.org/missingJ.htm. There is also another website with an article entitled “Our Saviour’s Name” http://www.iahushua.com/ST-RP/name.htm and see http://www.yahweh.org.

Does the Letter “J” exist in Hebrew, Latin or Greek?

The answer to this question is no. In fact, there was no letter ‘J’ in any language prior to the 14th century in England. The letter did not become widely used until the 17th century.

The Encyclopedia Americana contains the following quote on the J: “The form of ‘J’ was unknown in any alphabet until the 14th century. Either symbol (J,I) used initially generally had the consonantal sound of Y as in year. Gradually, the two symbols (J,l) were differentiated, the J usually acquiring consonantal force and thus becoming regarded as a consonant, and the I becoming a vowel.

It was not until 1630 that the differentiation became general in England.” Note in the original 1611 version of the King James Version of the Bible there was no “J” letter in this Bible for because it did not exist. James was spelled Iames. Jesus was spelled Iesous.

In the Hebrew alphabet there is no J letter or sound and it is shown follow: Read form right to left.”

The Greek alphabet shows that there is no letter J or sound.

Now the Oxford English Dictionary shows the derivation of the name “Jesus” as follow: “In ancient Latin Jesus is spelled Iesus, in ancient Greek (I-ee-sous), ad. late Heb. or Aramaic yeshua, Jeshua,for the earlier y’hoshua, Jehoshua or Joshua (explained as ‘Jah (or Jahveh) is salvation’: cf. y’shuah ‘salvation, deliverance’, and Matt. 1.21”

Here we see that in the ancient Latin and Greek languages “Jesus” was spelled with the letter “I” for there was no “J” in either of these languages. In Hebrew we know there is no J letter. So Jesus was originally spelled Yeshua, and y’hoshua. Note: Here the Messiah’s name was spelled in Hebrew two different ways due to the tradition of the Masoretic priests. They did not want to pronounce the sacred part of Yahweh’s name, so they changed the ‘Yah, to ‘Yeh, which will be discussed later in this article.

Webster’s New World Dictionary confirms the Oxford World Dictionary, but it shows the derivation of “Jesus” correctly transliterated in Latin, Greek, and Hebrew using the letters “I” and “Y,” showing that there was no J used in these original languages when the scriptures were translated into them.

“In Late Latin Jesus was original spelled Iesus; In Greek it was spelled Ièsous; and in ancient Hebrew spelled “yÈshÙa,” which is a contraction of yehÖshÙa (Joshua), help of Jehovah < yÀh, Jehovah + hÖshïa, to help.”

Did the angels speak in Hebrew?

In the so-called New Testament of the Bible there were two instances where an angel and the spirit form of the Messiah appeared to humans and spoke to them in Hebrew. First, Gabriel spoke to Mary regarding her unborn son. Since Mary was Hebrew of the tribe of Judah (Lk. 1:27), Gabriel had to communicate to her in the Hebrew tongue, her native language, not Chinese or Greek, for she would not have been able to understand him. “And the angel said unto her, Fear not, Mary: for thou hast found favour with Elohim (God). And, behold, thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and shalt call his name JESUS (Luke 1:30-31).” As shown in the Hebrew alphabet, there is no J in Hebrew (see alphabet on p. 8). So the question is what did the angel Gabriel say that the baby would be named? It was impossible for him to say Jesus because Jesus is Greek for Yahshua.

In another instance, the Messiah appeared in spirit form and in a vision, to the Apostle Paul on the road to Damascus (Acts 9:1-7) and spoke in Hebrew. Paul described what happened. “And when we were all fallen to the earth, I heard a voice speaking unto me, and saying in the Hebrew tongue, Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou me? it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks (Acts 26:14).”

Paul asked this spirit, “Who art thou, Lord (Acts 26:15)?” The Messiah replied, “I am Jesus [in the King James Bible and most English Bibles] whom thou persecutest.”

One thing is clear. The Messiah knows His name and as was stated and repeated throughout this article it is impossible for him to have said Jesus as it is translated since Yahshua spoke to Paul in the Hebrew tongue.

Pontius Pilate wrote the name of the Messiah in Greek, Hebrew and Latin above His head on the cross when the Messiah was crucified. Luke wrote the following: “… an inscription also was written over Him in letters of Greek, Latin, and Hebrew: THIS IS THE KING OF THE JEWS (Lk 23:38-39).”

Traditionally, most crucifixes (especially Roman Catholic) have the Latin initials of the Messiah as follows “INRI,” which means “Iesus Nazarenus, Rex, Iudaeorum”. [Note: there is no letter J (for it did not exist at this time.) This is translated into English and means “Jesus of Nazareth, King of the Jews.”]

The French philosopher, historian, and religious scholar Ernest Renan stated in his book, The Life of Jesus, that the Savior was never called Jesus in His lifetime. Renan based his conclusion on his archaeological trips to the Holy Land in searching for inspiration and materials on the Savior.

What is the derivation of the name “Jesus”?

Any good dictionary will show the derivation or the history of the translation of Jesus through the various languages. All agree that the word “Jesus is a transcription or a copy of the Greek name … which is a derivation of the Hebrew Ieshoua, a common Jewish name” according to the book The Names and Titles of Jesus by Leopold Sabourin, S.J.

Is there an explanation of the error Yeh from Yah?

Now that it is clear that the Messiah’s name was not spelled with the letter J, there is another error that must be addressed. Many misspell the Messiah as “yÈshÙa,” (which is a contraction for “yehÖshÙa.”). The error is that it does not have the “Yah” part of the Father’s name in the translation.

In the King James Version of the Bible, Psalm 68:4 clearly reveals that the shortened form of the Father’s name is “Jah.” King David writes: “Sing to God, sing praises to His name; Extol Him who rides on the clouds, By His name JAH…” Since there is no j in Hebrew then “Jah” should be spelled Yah or Iah. So yehÖshÙa should be spelled yahÖshÙa.

The error of changing Yah to Yeh is due to the manmade tradition of the Jewish priests. Their reverence for the holy name caused them to believe that it was too sacred to pronounce. So they changed the vowel points from a to e in the Tetragrammaton YHWH. This changes the pronunciation of the Tetragrammaton. The letter “a” was the correct vowel to be inserted between the YH obtaining YaH. This is short form of the sacred Name is in Yahshua.

To prevent this pronunciation, the priests changed the vowel points from an “a” to the “e” obtaining YeH. This is how the letter “e” came to be in the Savior’s name “Jesus,” resulting today in the Jews spelling his name YEHshua.

Now the same error is explained in the Biblesoft’s Strongs New Exhaustive Strong’s Numbers and Concordance with Expanded Greek-Hebrew Dictionary. It spelled Yahshua’s name with the letter e Yehowshuwa‘ (yeh-ho-shoo’-ah); or Yehowshu‘ a (yeh-ho-shoo’-ah); from OT:3068 and OT:3467 OT:3091; Jehovah-saved; Jehoshua (i.e. Joshua), the Jewish leader: -Jehoshua, Jehoshuah, Joshua. Now the ancient Greek use their alphabet to write and pronounce the “IE” as the shortened form of Yahweh’s name “Yah.”

What is the Importance of “ous” or “us” in Jesus’ name?

Now the “ua” ending in Yahshua’s name in Hebrew when transliterated into Greek is feminine singular, which presents a problem. Thus, it necessitates a change when transliterate into Greek (so the reader in Greek could determine the gender of this name).

What most people do not understand is the ending “us” of Jesus name was setup to denote this in the transliteration into Greek and Latin. The “ous” and the “us” ending in the Greek name “Iesous” and the Latin name “Iesus,” respectively, denote the masculine singular gender in Greek and Latin respectively.

In most languages there are endings that denote gender as well as endings that denote singular or plural. (For example, in English we just add the letter ‘s’ to make a noun plural as in boys or girls. In Spanish gender is denoted by the last vowel of the word, such as chico-boy and chica-girl.)

Only the letters “Jes” in “Jesus’ name has any relationship to the Hebrew name Yahshua for the letters “us” denote gender.

This transliteration that observes Greek and Latin grammer further adds confusion to other errors in the transliteration of the name Yahshua. Latin and English had already seen the results of the Jewish Masoretic priests changing the vowel points.

Finally, it also should be noted that Greek has no “sh” sound as in Yahshua Hebrew name. To denote this “sh” Hebrew sound in the Greek, the letter “s” is used.

Thus, this article has examined all five of the letters in “Jesus” name and showed their derivation from Hebrew, Greek Latin and English.

***

So, there you have it. :-) I hope this explains why I prefer to be "different" or shall I say "accurate" in my use of the term YAHSHUA over YESHUA.

I stand amazed: How God has blessed me through YOU

2010-11-21T19:18:00.000-08:00

(Forgive me as I've not been able to reply to all the comments. Thank you so much for all your encouragement!)

***

Before my debut novel released, I asked God to be my publicist. You see, I was already suffering from MS and would get tired very easily. I knew I wouldn’t be able to do as much as other authors in marketing my book. I said to God I’d do all I could, but would He please do the rest.

Well, on November 1^st, the very day my book released, I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer (T-cell Lymphoma). It was so aggressive, they immediately admitted me into the hospital and started me on their heaviest dose of chemo treatments. I can’t even begin to describe how I felt. Sheer joy of having my first book published, and sheer terror of a life-threatening disease.

When my ACFW writing friends, family and church family heard the news, they rallied around me with prayers, prayer chains, cards, CDs to listen to while in the hospital, flowers, and promotion of my book (including filling in for me for the book signings I will miss!). My husband was so touched, he told me I was surrounded by legions of angels. And you know what? He was right. :-)

God heard my prayer. He knew what was going to happen the day my book released. And He put it on the hearts of all of you to come to my aid. I have chills as I’m writing this. If you just Google my book, THE MASTER’S WALL, you will see what God has done through all of you. My book goes on for pages and pages on the Google search engine. PAGES! Not just the first page! It’s even ranked at number 21 of highest ratings on Amazon for historical romance. My book was published through a small press, so what God has done is close to a miracle. I have tears in my eyes as I share this with all of you. And all I can say is thank you. Honestly, “thank you” isn’t enough for the gratitude I feel, for the love I feel. The first months of a book’s release are critical, and I not only had to cancel my book signings, but everything else I had planned for promotion. Had I been well, I never would have accomplished what God through YOU has accomplished for me.

Thank you for allowing yourselves to be used by our heavenly Father, and for giving me great pleasure during this frightening time in my life. This has helped to give me confidence that I am truly in God’s hands.

I thank God for all of you.

Lots and lots of hugs in Him,

Sandi Rog

P.S. If you’d like to share this “thank you note” with others, please feel free to do so. I can’t keep up to personally thank all those who have helped.